Friday, 3 July 2015

Gis' a Job

After one of our Editors had a minor stroke from reading the 'job description' for becoming a member of the Szemalikoski Youth Mini-Management Student Leaders Team (SLT, formerly Year Council), we thought we'd fill out the application form ourselves.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

A Gilded Turd is A Turd Nonetheless

The school this week advertised supposedly 'new' jobs that were open for students to apply for, including the title 'Student Leader', even though in the email that was sent with the attached information and application form said that they were simply rebranding what "used to be known as School Council class rep". This comes as the variety of pointless 'leadership' roles available to students reaches its peak, with students being able to be Prefects, Head of Prefects, Head Boy/Girl, School Council members, Year Council members, HABZ members, RRSA Team members and REACT Team members, the irony being that none of them mean anything; it's just another sad attempt on the school's behalf to bulk up students' CVs on the cheap with pointless job titles, to make them feel as it they are part of something (even though that something is a PR stunt to make the school look good), so that when it comes to applying for university their Personal Statement doesn't just read "l33test n0sc0per in Norf Weezie".

What amazes us, as always, is the school's amazing cheek in saying some of the stuff it does in the various documents sent to students, even after we have so publicly lambasted them for their actions to the contrary. On the Student Leaders job description they casually kick off with Article 12 of the Rights of a Child Charter: "Every child has the right to say what they think in all matters affecting them, and to have their views taken seriously." EVIDENTLY NOT! Just by slapping articles on things doesn't mean you are doing them; that would involve the school being run by actual human beings, instead of a man who has shown himself to be nothing more than a blundering, ill-educated vacuous press-monkey.

Under the heading "Why do we need Student Leaders?" (to which, by the way, the answer is "we don't"), the school say: "To enhance student leadership and prepare them for ambassador or public relations roles at university or the world of work." This from a Headship who, when speaking to prospective parents, said that Hampstead does not try and fit students into a mould, before going on about the stringent Uniform rules. You can see them already shaping students into the next bout of PR goons, so that in ten years the Head can claim a success for homogenising a group of comprehensive louts into a bunch of mediocre twats.

There are various aneurysm-inducing bulletpoints under the heading "What will you have to do?", however the one that got most on my tits was this: "To support the work needed as a Rights Respecting School to maintain the focus on the the UNCRC and it’s importance for all children nationally and globally". Ignoring the repeated word and the excessive apostrophe in 'its', the school seem incapable of maintaining the focus of the UNCRC in the Management, let alone students. Nay, the students are all fine, because they're not the ones ruining lives.

Then there is a section entitled "What does it offer me?" (to which the answer is, undoubtedly, "absolutely nothing"). Within this, they put the following reasons for joining:
"One full day training, with lunch provided, covering:
- Ethos, values and spirit of Hampstead School
- Service Leadership Skills
- Confidence and communication building exercises
- A chance to meet informally with key members of staff over lunch, and the opportunity to feed back to these staff on the student experience at Hampstead School 
A coveted Hampstead School Leadership water bottle, a Fairtrade Hampstead School Leadership tee shirt for summer duties, and an official School Leadership Badge.

A positively worded contribution to the Student Reference and the opportunity to enhance UCAS/College applications."
What ethos? What values? Call me a cynic, but when a school's Head is willing to ruin a student's life by calling their university out of spite, then it is germane to say the school might lack a few 'values', and the ethos that most schools have, of bettering students, isn't really there. Secondly, you don't need a training day to 'meet informally with key members of staff' and 'feed back to these staff on the student experience at Hampstead'; they work in the same building as you! Just go up to them at break or lunch and scream at them how crap the school is. I'm sure the Head would love to hear your feed back [sic], as he has responded so well to criticism in the past...

I think 'coveted' is a bit strong when talking about a Hampstead School water bottle, the same thing that they give to parents at Parents' Evening to help wash the valium down. Maybe it hasn't quite reached Hampstead School yet, but as it happens, having water is a Human Right, not a reward. And on top of this, an 'official School Leadership Badge'! I'm not entirely sure why they included the word 'official', as if there is someone out there making counterfeit School Leadership Badges.

At this point, they evidently ran out of things they could offer, and so resorted to "A positively worded contribution to the Student Reference", as if that wasn't already on the cards. If the school was generating negatively worded Student References (which, let's face it, isn't beyond the realms of possibility) on UCAS and college applications, they would be harming student chances of getting onto good courses (as if we haven't heard that before), in turn harming the much more pressing matter of their bragging rights. You can't offer a good student reference when that's what you do anyway, and signing up wouldn't change a thing.

It goes on: "A certificate of achievement and gift of Amazon tokens if all duties have been satisfactorily completed at the end of the year." So you get a piece of paper at the end saying you have achieved nothing, but the people who have a vested interest in you want to make you look good, and then have made you look good. Then, they simply resort to bribery.

What's funny is then, as if this is some sort of serious thing, they list their demands. They kick off with: "To be considered you will be a positive member of the school Community. As such, you will have 95% attendance, except for extenuating circumstances, and not be on or have been on behaviour report this academic year." Notice the missing 'have' in the first sentence (Thanks P. E. Dant, Ed.). This basically rules out anyone who has had anything more than a mild sniffle in the past year, as well as anyone who does not fit within their idea of what they want a Hampstead student to be, not what Hampstead students actually are. Equally, the use of 'except for extenuating circumstances' means they can accept those students which exemplify their message, but still use the rules as a measuring stick by which to reject anyone they don't like.

They also ask to "Deliver a one minute ‘Vote for me’ speech", however, the rest of the 'application process' implies that there is no student vote. Instead, as with all things, the democratically elected student voice will be placed by the Management, so that no one disagrees with what the school does, and they can claim they have consensus.

The real kick in the teeth is on the actual application form, wherein at the end it proudly states: "Hampstead School is a Rights Respecting School and committed to UNCRC and Equality of Opportunity. Applications are open to all students", which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie! The email which contained this document was addressed solely to students in Years 7-10, probably because Year 13 are gone, Year 12 have actual work to do and Year 11 had work, and the majority won't be doing any more at Hampstead. Also, on the rights thing, see the rest of the article.

Follow up articles to this will be published in the coming days.

DISCLAIMER: The Head, a totalitarian, vindictive, dictatorial leader who seeks to wipe out all opposition to him and his rule, in no way resembles Adolf Hitler. If the insinuation that the two people are similar or the same at all was made in this article, we can only apologise. It is pure chance that he does not have a pencil moustache.

Monday, 29 June 2015

School Gives Away Free Phones!

The Trash has received reports today that many students have caught after school in a scram in the Reception to retrieve their various confiscated phones. More cunning students will know that, if they are in need of an upgrade, this is a perfect opportunity to get their hands on Argos' finest. However, because of the sheer amount of students collecting their phones, hoodies and other articles, the receptionist was overwhelmed, incapable of doing whatever it is that they are actually employed for (as it transpired, opening the doors, which, when they couldn't, created a two-way blockage), and SLT on one occasion had to separate out the herds of ill-doers.

This poses a few issues. Firstly, why were there recently so many students collecting phones and hoodies? It's not as if everyone decided to get phones en masse, and wearing a jacket has suddenly come into fashion. As we have said many times before, the school's rigid, frankly-bizarre-in-places, uniform policy, and how it is implemented and upheld takes president over education in the minds of the management is entirely deplorable. It goes to show how little the SLT have to do, and how much time they have to do it in if they have the ability to stand around all lunchtime picking kids up on their dress. The surge in students having their clothes nicked is not because wrongdoing is on the rise; the management just have more time on their hands now it's the summer.

It may be that the summer is also culpable for the rise in phone-jacking by members of staff. The rationale behind the school's no-phones policy is so that students aren't distracted in class. However, the majority of these phones seemed to be pilfered by members of the SLT at lunchtime, when they were out in the open because it was sunny, not in the classroom distracting anyone. This needless enforcement of a rule tends towards the ridiculous, and makes the management look nothing more than vindictive jobsworths (and where have we heard that before!).

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

School Council Fails Again

The first article from a new member of the Trash writing team, P. I. Staker:

The fortnightly convening of the rag-tag bunch of lost Year 7's and the odd not-at-all-in-any-way-high Year 11 has begun. Yes, that's right, in an effort to make School Council more effective, the school have decided everyone who has any connection with it must be drawn together in a secret, after-school meeting, wherein the viability of "more bins" and "Fanta fountains" are decided on, predictably judged to be unfeasible.

This is an apparent well-meaning attempt by the SLT to make "the student voice heard more clearly," but what they seem to have forgotten is the principle that 0 x 0 = 0. The School Council is about as useful as an RE GCSE (or BTEC equivalent) on a job application; a pathetic attempt at fulfilling that specific section of the Rights Respecting School Award. In a system governed by a group of executives, the voice of the majority is rendered insignificant. It may well be that a majority of the school is Muslim, but Caterlink, the external food contractor provided by Camden still refuse to provide Halal meat. Why? Because the clear wishes of a majority of the pupils are insignificant in the face of profit margins.

The idea behind the School Council is that pupils feed back to a Class Representative of which there are two per class. They then feed back to the two year reps who gather and make decisions as one committee. An easy enough system it seems (apart from the one in which the feedback from School Council is written down and given to all students, rather than the four-tier Chinese whispers). The issue is the School Council has no scope for actual enactment of change; they decide on something which, as this publication has said many a time before, is then ignored or denied by the Head, and therein lies the issue.

Friday, 12 June 2015

12 Signs your School is Corrupt

In a desperate clamour for online foot traffic to feed the hegemonic greed for advertising revenue and a thicker wider-reaching audience, the ever-dictatorial Editorship have demanded we follow the #trends of publications such as HampsteadBuzzFeed and the ETC. Sp0rtz secshun and pursue clickbait articles that are less mentally challenging for readers, and involve fewer words, otherwise known as 'listicles' (which also happens to sound like a colloquial name for a disease of the ball bag). So, to appease our crazed overlords, #let's #get #to #it

12 Signs your School is Corrupt (in pictures - of course)

Look, it's a pie chart. It's called a pie chart because it vaguely resembles a pie.
1) Money is spent on the school, not the pupils. The school gets a little bit egotistical and decides for itself it will make itself look good for the press, and will pay for a couple of awards it will win.

 2) The media is regulated by the school. No, there's no way the school would have any influence over reporting to make itself look better, and anything that goes against the school deemed 'defamatory', even if true.

3) The school sell you lies. They aren't a particularly intelligent bunch, and so lies are usually easily spotted.

 4) The numbers don't add up. The school likes to get a little imaginative when it comes to the figures. It doesn't take an accountant to work out a slump in grades does not count towards an upward trend, nor does a badly calculated budget.
 5) The school mascot may or may not be a paedo. There are also assertions that the school mascot may or may not be an Aye-aye, or even a mascot, but merely a man in a rodent suit who likes to hang around school changing rooms.

6) The school resembles Soviet Russia. Speak out of turn and you got to the House for gulag.

7) They leak sensitive documents about their students. And then have the cheek to tell us we're legally obliged to remove our copies of the data they leaked, so as not to commit a leak!

 8) SEGREGATION. Rights. anyone? Need I say more?

9) The numbers don't add up. Or have I already said that?

10) CENSORSHIP. Because Big Brother is Watching You. See also point (1).

11) There is no student voice. Any attempts at democracy are thinly veiled publicity stunts to seem as if the school cares, only aided by student apathy.

DISCLAIMER: There is absolutely no chance that there is the possibility that all governing bodies are corrupt, and we can only attribute this notion to the article's 'mad writings' and 'fruity language'. All remarks are not defamatory, although some are made up.