Thursday, 26 February 2015

Respectful Language: Piss Off

The Trash has come upon the presentation given about Respectful Language towards the end of half term. The files, available on the shared area, include the powerpoint, as well as various other documents, including teacher's notes and a lesson plan.

As we have said in a previous article, the presentation was, in a few respects, very funny, as on slide three it referred to the Head among religious leaders (as well as a random person called Iman, because the school cannot spell 'Imam'), and shouting 'Fire in a crowded theatre' (see below). However, on closer inspection, we found some things we had missed first time round, and this gave us the chance to mess around a bit.

First thing we noticed was the splattering of Article 13 about the presentation, the title slide proclaiming that "Every child must be free to say what they think and to seek and receive all kinds of information". Yeah, because the school is famed for that. What makes it more ironic is that that isn't even a direct quote for the Rights of a Child Charter. The school put that down. 1 point to wishful thinking.

The class settler was supposedly to play them the "respect rap". Now, this may be us just being cynical, but we reckon a hilarious out-of-touch cringe-worthy video is the last thing to get any year settled.

One of the additional questions in the notes was "What impression of Hampstead School and its students, do you think a visitor would get if they crossed the yard at break, lunch or after school and heard students using swear words as part of their everyday speech." P. E. Dant noticed that not only does the question lack a question mark, but so do all the questions on slide eleven, as well as questions on slides five and twelve. To answer the question: who cares? If one of the hinging points of children talking to each other in a formal manner is because they, or the school, are worried that someone might hear them (chipping away at the fantastic facade the school has generated), then they probably ought to re-evaluate their priorities.

To quote something on slide four, which sums up the presentation, and the 'initiative', as a whole, is that it is about "finding ways to express ourselves without causing offence to others", which we thought was rich, especially after certain members of the schools, in assemblies, advocated the work of Charlie Hebdo after the shootings, the main prerogative of which being that in France they uphold the right to offend, and offend they did.

We at the Trash believe there is and always will be a place for swearing, as with any word. Any English teacher will tell you that every word is used to evoke a certain effect; the same goes for swear words. Obviously overuse, and use in the wrong context or situation, is bad, but sometimes swearing is a necessary thing, regardless of respect.

However, now on to fun making. We began with slide eleven, wherein we replaced every mention of 'language' with 'dildo'. We wonder how it worked out...
For those that want to play along at home, another word that works is 'whisk',
although suggestions for others in the comments are greatly appreciated.
The presentation also asked that "On the piece of paper provided write down every ‘negative’ language word you know". Unfortunately, the last time a writer for this blog did that publicly, he was expelled.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Hampstead School Can't Even Play the League Tables

The school has been ranked 26th out of 30 schools in the area for GCSE results, and 20th for A Levels, according to figures published last fortnight.

The ranking, featuring in last week's Ham and High, puts the school below other local comprehensives, such as William Ellis, UCL Academy, Quentin Kynaston, as well as Acland Burghley, which was deemed 'requires improvement' by Ofsted last year. This comes in spite of Hampstead pushing funds away from extracurricular activities and to expenses such as Attendance (costing £55k, see Trash passim) and the Rights Respecting Schools Award (more on that to come).

The numbers released by the Department for Education show only 53% achieved 5 A*-C (including English an Maths) GCSEs at Hampstead last academic year, which is a 10% deviation from the 63% the Head had shoved down our throats on multiple occasions as the school "bucking the national trend" for a fifth year running. Or was he thinking the "results can’t be compared to any other year" on account of them being pisspoor?

Not only do the school need to scratch up on their Maths, or their truth-telling (after all, 50% of Mathematics is Imagination), but they can't even play their own game. At least if you're going to commit to being blood-sucking, soulless bean-counters do it competently, rather than what we now, affectionately, call the 'Hampstead way'.

"Piss up in a brewery"

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

The School Magazine is dead; Long live the School Magazine

Having been under the impression that ETC. had been put out of its misery, like a losing racehorse with a broken leg, we've seen the school's attempt at playing Lazarus on said horse, with various spam emails sent on the fancy new system. It's a good thing that Year 7's aren't classed as animals, otherwise the SLT would be in some serious trouble with the RSPCA. As it stands, UNICEF aren't too fussed.

Below are some screenshots, for those of you who are not checking their school email whatsoever, sent by the teacher now running ETC. In typical Hampstead fashion, there's some brilliant hypocrisy.
Fancy new email system, complete with spam already...
  • "I would like some more articles from different points of view." - Yeah, nice try attempting to get differing points of view under the Thought Police. (There is only one correct point of view, and it is that of the school. There is no chance they could ever be corrupt. Ed.)
  • "People are coming in to school from a local university to help us out" - Uni students are allowed to, and do criticise their educators for their rules and regulations. I'm sure they'll definitely not encourage the same if asked for help with a 'defamatory' article.

Not only spam, but reminders of the spam you've been spammed with...
Ignoring the atrocious grammar and laying out of the email by someone who will be running a magazine, the most entertaining bit is the website. You can have a look at it here. It's hopefully a work in progress, as otherwise that is possibly the worst formatted website we've ever seen. Not only has it no content on it (reflecting the scope of the average ETC. article), but people were invited to it before it had even been finished, only inviting mockery.

So to sum all this crap up, ETC. has been reincarnated, with seemingly more lives than a cat. With all the relevance in this world of a Buzzfeed list article about the top 69 types of coat button whilst World War Three starts, ETC. is something nobody should care about, and something anyone who does is plainly an idiot. If you are actually interested in journalism, whilst ETC. might seem good practice, you'd be better setting up your own blog for writing on (it need not be a "defamatory" one with masses of "fruity language"). On the note of 'fruity language', we can reveal that the email address seen on the screenshot will be inundated with opinion pieces wanting our voices heard. I wonder if we'll get them heard...

DISCLAIMER: This article is not in anyway affiliated with Buzzfeed lists, nor One Direction fanfiction with a lack of any of the "good stuff"; and Heywood Jablome will not take the blame for any unsuccessful journalism careers based on his advice. If it goes well, though, he will take the credit.

Monday, 9 February 2015


The second in the series of new school productions.

In the ruthless arena of King Jacques VIII’s hall, only one man dares to gamble his life to win the autocratic leader’s favour and ascend to the heights of education power. Thomas Brookman.

Ingrish in the 1520’s is a heartbeat from disaster. If the king dies without any hair, the Quad could be destroyed by civil war (or a new building). Jacques VIII wants to annul his Assistant Head of twenty years, and marry Abdi Boleyn. Most of Cricklewood opposes him. The quest for the king’s freedom destroys his adviser, Cardinal Mayne, and leaves a power vacuum (Henry the tyrannical Hoover).

Into this impasse steps Thomas Brookman. Brookman is a wholly original man, a charmer and a bully, both idealist and opportunist, astute in reading people and a demon of energy: he is also a consummate scholar, hardened by his personal losses, implacable in his ambition. But Jacques is volatile: one day tender, one day murderous. Brookman helps him break the opposition, but to what price will his triumph come?