Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Caption Competition #7

This one was taken in Cricklewood and features a sign advertising the NCS, a scheme that the school advocates to students. The sign, that reads 'This is our Fut', should say 'This is our Future', which, coupled with the state of the board, is a damning message in more ways than one.


Thursday, 22 January 2015

But a Pen Doesn't Have Spellcheck

As many will know, in the past week Trash HQ was raided by Ingrish State insurgents. The attackers were armed with BB guns and a frankly hazardous looking CaterLink pizza, and killed off one of the fictitious writers we have been meaning to kill off for a while.

In memory of those that we lost (and all those very real satirists who were lost in Paris, and all the subsequent innocent lives) we tried, and failed, at doing some cartoons.

A sketch of Abdi (Pizza Be Upon Him) holding a sign
that reads "Je suis Abdi". This was because people
kept thinking he was a different person by mistake.
One of the dead satirists was our very own Drew Peacock,
who we thought we would honour with a sketch of the man
above.
The French department have capitalised upon the popularity of the #JaiCharlie #JetaisCharlie #JeSuisCharlie hashtag by using it to teach students the present tense form of etre without using Google Translate. All together now:
  • #JeSuisCharlie
  • #TuEsCharlie
  • #IlEstCharlie
  • #ElleEstCharlie
  • #OnEstCharlie
  • #NousSommesCharlie
  • #VousEtesCharlie
  • #IlsSontCharlie
  • #EllesSontCharlie
It is rumoured that the Spanish department are eagerly awaiting some sort of popular hashtag to capitalise upon like vultures, seeing as the average Year 7 has the Foreign Language vocabulary of 140 characters.

DISCLAIMER: Read this and scratch up on your Google Translate skills. Look at article 3, 18, 19 and 20.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Buzz Bashing - Autumn Term 2014

At the end of the last term, there came the latest edition of the Hampstead Buzz, and all the lovely treats that make my job that great deal easier. The whole point of Buzz Bashing should be to criticise fellow publications about the school (such as ETC. which comes pre-decimated), but there is very little constructive to say about this edition.

First, the Head's Message. He started off speaking about his 'learning walks', and how they are "the most important part" of his "daily routine", which says a lot about his 'daily routine', and how much he has to do of any importance. He goes on to say that he has the time to "spend an hour every day, visiting every classroom and seeing every student [...] always impressed by how engaged they are with their learning." Engaged until the point that he storms in and starts distracting people from their vital 'learning time' by bothering them about uniform, or just with his mere presence alone. Also, did no one notice the stupidly hideous typo in the last line: "cCassroom"?

What was also funny was the fact that the majority of the articles were written about the authors in the third person; people were writing about themselves as if they were other people. The Hampstead Trash aren't sure if this is an editorial feature, but The Hampstead Trash can see how this a bit pompous and self-adulation.

One article written in the third person is that about how Hampstead is a pioneer of non-Christian assemblies. Oh well done. We thought that would be the modus operandi of a secular school. According to the article, the school has belonged to a body that means they don't have to undertake assemblies that are "wholly or mainly of a broadly Christian character", which is shortened to the name "SACRE", which is missing a trick and a 'D' at the end.

There was another article, thankfully not written in the third person, about how Year 12&13 students were taken on a tour of the Houses of Parliament. They were told "This is what Democracy looks like, kids", before their mouths were duck-taped up again and they were slung back into Totalitarian Hampstead misery.

"Extreme reading" was also a topic of conversation, with the Buzz flaunting photos of teachers endangering themselves by reading books instead of looking what they were doing, for instance, landing a skateboard, or sitting in a desert (actually, that last one isn't too dangerous). Setting a great example there, Hampstead. Another attempt by the school to make reading more applicable to 'da yutes ov 2dai'. Here's a tip: why don't we make the books into pictures that we can watch and that tell the stories? Is that not a thing?

In other news, the Head was invited to an AfA conference, like everyone else who pays several thousand pounds for the privilege. HABZ had a thing to raise awareness of bullying (apparently, we didn't know it was happening. We're so aware). Hampstead students were taken to Facebook as part of 'Digital Leaders'. Facebook, of course, is blocked on the school system, is disallowed to under 13's (so Years 7, 8, and some Year 9's), as well as the school saying as part of its 'eSafety' to avoid websites such as Facebook... Yeah...

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

School Council Only 2 Years Behind Electorate - Shock Horror!!!

For those who have walked through the hall atrium recently and have, on the rare and unlikely occasion looked at the School Council board, you will have seen they have published, with a print-run of one, their Action Plan for 2014-2015. Now, assuming that the possible amount of people who have looked at the board are us and us alone, we thought it relevant to impart some of the up-coming farce that our representatives wish to do.

The first 'objective' of three of the Action Plan talks about how the School Council is allegedly trying to improve the 'student voice impact'. Not only is this already a hilarious notion, but made even more laughable still by the fact that the School Council, the students' so-called mouthpiece, had to make this an 'objective' in an Action Plan. Surely the fact that the School Council exists should be sufficient enough for that 'objective' to be. But, alas, that is not the case, and the School Council remains as inefficient a process of providing 'student voice impact' as Nick Clegg is at gaining votes (don't think we haven't noticed the fact that the Girls' Only Area sign is still up, even though the School Council said it would be removed 6 months ago).

The 'rationale' section of this 'objective' showed a resurgence of classic Standard Ingrish, as whoever wrote it managed to confuse the future and present tenses saying "we will feel that the school wants to make changes for everyone". Not only do we doubt the claim, but being able to predict that, in the future, they will feel about what the school wants presently, which is superhuman. As well as this, under 'resources', one of the things they could use to further the 'student voice impact' would be "a school blog".

Now, if only there was a blog that dealt with the students' views on the school and furthered 'student voice impact'... Hmm...

They say that, in terms of timescale, this blog would be up and running "by the spring term", which we have yet to see, in spite of it being the spring term, and that "that the blog will be online and updated often". Not only is it not online, we doubt the posting will be anywhere near regular. However, competition is always good, especially if it is fighting for the same cause, and since ETC. fell into ruin, some competition might be good, if only to reassert how idiotic the school can be.

The second 'objective' is to sit on the SLT panel, "so that we know that what we have to say is really being reported back". Whilst the sentiment is admirable, our cynicism about this creeps in. Firstly, with them on the panel, they can simply be fobbed-off face to face. Not that they even have that much to say (see any Real Leaked Minutes).

The third and final 'objective' is a campaign for a "wider range of snack items on sale". Really tackling the core issues of the school here.

When we first saw this we couldn't help remembering "Stop shrinking the jellies!!!1!1!1!!". It does seem a bit of a step down from the other 'objectives', and that's saying something. They go on about how they are going to do a survey and bother caterlink, but who cares?

Of course, to see the original you can simply stroll past the display, and for those who don't attend Hampstead will just have to imagine it. 

Monday, 12 January 2015

Purple Pyramid of Progress

Many will have seen it, either emblazoned on the walls of every classroom in school, or, rather defeating the object, in black-and-white copy in their planners, and many will have taken no notice, and rightly so. However, have no fear! The Hampstead Trash is here! So idly sit back, relax, and let us make fun of the latest in a string of hair-brained, badly-devised 'initiatives' on behalf of the school management.

The first problem, and probably the most visually obvious one, is that the Purple Pyramid of Progress, emblazoned on every wall, including those of the maths rooms, isn't actually a pyramid. It's a triangle. That may sound very pedantic, but it's the same as saying "Here's the Cyan Cube of Corruption. Oh wait, I forgot to mention, it's actually just a square."

The second gaping hole, much like Kim Kardashian's mouth, in the idea of the "Purple Pyramid of Progress" is that it has sod all to do with progress. The triangle is supposed to show a progression of achievements that, if you make your way up through, you ultimately gain a 'big prize', whereas this doesn't work for two reasons, the first being that the triangle represents a series of unchronological achievements, whose only link is the increasing amount of points they garner, the second being that none of the achievements are progressed to, and all can be won in isolation; anyone can get up to five Stars of the Hour just by doing well on a single day, rather than having to work up to them over a certain time period.

And, even if the school were to rectify these issues regarding progress, the 'big prize' that ultimately is supposed to await them might not even make it to them, as the prizes, as anyone who has attended an end-of-term assembly would know, are handed out by pot-luck by the random selection of an app. This begs the question, and we wouldn't want the school to descend into anarchy (oh no!) over this, but why bother? If there's no certainty of a prize for working hard, why bother in the first place? It may all be in vain

Of course, we at the Trash believe there is always an education, that everyone gets, which is the outcome of doing well and bothering, but 'bad behaviour' is subjective, and look where it's got us.

What makes it ultimately more confusing is that it still uses a 'points' system, just like that of the Detentions Ladder, which could easily lead to confusion in the classroom; a teacher giving them points towards a detention when the student thinks they have done well and their behaviour is apt.

So, to ail this flawed system, the Trash has devised its own system of gaining recognition: the Pink Phallus of Persecution. And, unlike the Triangle, it is in fact a phallus, and it is in fact pink.