Friday, 27 May 2016

Op-Ed #13

Didier Poisson, ex-Leader of the Astroturf Nation Party, writes:

I am dismayed, and I am disgusted! Disgusted at the level of scaremongering occurring in both camps of the Norf Weezie Union Referendum Debate. Despite being a remainer myself, I have been abhorred by my own side as well as those swivel-eyed ganja-monkeys campaigning to leave.

In the past week alone we have heard threats that leaving would incur Whitefield War Three (WW3) and that the NWU was akin to "Hipsters' desire to control all of Camden". Of all the facts and forecasts, we have heard threats that in either case jellies would be shrunk, pigeon consumption would fall, CaterLink would continue to serve 'meals' and Meral's (blessed be they) would never rise again. Planners would only get larger and heavier, blazers would lose their figure-hugging shape and Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye would be deported (for coming from the Republic of Ayeland).

Enough, I say, enough! No more of this negativity. The Hampstead - and more importantly Astroturf - population is sick of the schoolboy hurling of ad hominem abuse. No more "you smell", "your mum" and "no your mum"; these grave pars have to end. From now onwards we should not act like quarrelling teens, but have positive campaigns that outline the positive case for either side.

Some readers may think it odd that not two years ago I was fully in favour of leaving another union, that of the one with the greater Hampstead, and so would assume that I would be equally campaigning for us to leave this union. However, many things were different back then; we were trying to come out of an undemocratic system where we had little sovereignty over our own land, with most of it being given away to an unelected leader many miles away who could overrule us on many decisions, all in the interest of the economy and shared borders. Totally different.

The key thing is that if Hampstead votes to leave, the Astroturf will undoubtedly have another referendum within two years on our membership with Hampstead, as we may want to rejoin the NWU. And what will Hampstead do without its blessed artificial playing field?


DISCLAIMER: The editor would like readers to note that, since the building work began, the Astroturf is now an irrelevance, and it seems Mr Poisson is living in the past. Thank god a fish-based figure no longer leads the ANP. As always, this is a spoof, yadee yadee yada...

Thursday, 26 May 2016

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Names from the Block

In a strange turn of events, the Trash has learned that yesterday the School Council convened for an emergency meeting. In that meeting students were given a rare opportunity to voice their opinions, being asked by the School for suggestions for possible names for the forthcoming new buildings being added to the site.

Of course, knowing Hampstead's less-than-democratic past, we are fairly sure any such meeting was instigated to give the feel that any such names that are eventually picked were chosen by the students, in the same way the blazers were ‘chosen’ by the students. And, of course, knowing the type of student chosen to be a member of the council, and going by past examples of the types of suggestions they are capable of (see any Leaked Minutes article ever), any suggestions made (rather than opening it out to the whole school) would be so unworthy of note they would be on a par with what the school Management will irrevocably come up with.

Now, we are pretty certain the final names will be somewhere along the lines of the Zadie Smith Building or the Rachel Yankey Block, or going by the naming of the DTI Block, the Szemalikowski Appreciation Block, but in the interest of opinion and funnies, here are some of the leaked suggestions from that meeting:
  • Blocky McBlockface
  • Hampstead Theatre Religion Arts Science and History building
  • The Kinnan Zaloom Department for Political Sciences - in which there is no faculty head and no control
  • Minitrue, Minipax, Miniluv and Miniplenty
  • The Sanatorium
  • Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye Institute for Children Studies
  • The Kremlin
  • The STD Building (formerly the bikesheds)
  • Manor Farm (previously on the site of the Ecology Area)
  • The Eastern Bloc
  • … or ‘The New Block’ and ‘The New New Block’ again.


DISCLAIMER: Whilst the article may be true, the student suggestions certainly aren’t. But they should be...

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

n GIFs that show Shrinking Jellies represent Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Leadership

Whilst we've slagged off Buzzfeed before (once, twice, three times a cancer on journalism), and while we'd already dreamt up the funniest way of coming up with a fourth, this article by the actual Buzzfeed popped up on Facebook, making us more determined to finish this. Sadly, we chose a stupidly difficult thing to find GIFs of, so there aren't as many as real Buzzfeed's article, but it's just as big a waste of your time.

1. Here's Corbyn staring into the camera, knowing you want bigger jellies.
2. Jelly man from Monsters Inc slips through the grate, like Blairites from Jez's cabinet.
3. Corbyn celebrates his successful campaign against Tory jelly cuts.
4. Hand gestures showing how jelly sizes have been squeezed.
5. How Jellies used to shake in the good old Old Labour days of old.
6. Damn blues stealing our green-and-pleasant jelly.
7. The eternal fight of jellies of different political persuasions,
including the squashing of the worker's jelly by the Tories.
8. Blairite jellies cannot decide which way to lean.

DISCLAIMER: Jeremy Corbyn has no real policy on the shrinking of our jellies by the bourgeoisie, an election pledge sorely missed from the Labour manifesto. Abdi Corbyn, however, is fully in favour of the renationalisation and standardisation of the jellies.

Friday, 20 May 2016

Op-Ed #12

Abdi Corbyn writes (again):

Hello chaps! What is wagwarning?

You know, my fellow comrades, I've had a lot of flak recently, and I want to talk to you, the public, about how I, Abdi Corbyn, am not to blame for everything. Some people have written some pretty nasty Blairite stuff about how I still have no control over my party and its message, despite not doing too poorly in the regional Back Cage North and . Well, I can say categorically, after an internal exploratory discussion, that I am quite possibly the leader!

Some fellow chaps (who, I might add, are not in the party anymore, thanks to my lighting-fast action as leader) got into a little bit of hot water in the press recently for saying some things, and being generally anti-semitic. I won't tolerate this... much. A lot of my friends are anti-semites, and so it horrendous to discriminate against any group of people. As Chairman Mao once said [In the interest of brevity, this paragraph has been cut short by sixty-three pages. -Ed]

Anyway, we can safely agree that it won't be tolerated, not in my party. In my party we tolerate everyone, except the coked-up horse-fiddlers on the other side of the School Council Commons, Capitalists and anyone who cannot tolerate everyone (which, seemingly, includes ourselves. Oops.) As such, I have launched an inquiry, to question whether or not this anti-semitism is a result of a right-wing Blairite conspiracy (P.S, it definitely is).

That said, chaps, I must apologise for the recent remarks made by a fellow chap and good friend of mine, Ken Deadrock, who has sadly left the party of his own free will. In a world of startling contradictions - David Cameron calling Nigeria 'fantastically corrupt', a straight woman winning Eurovision, to name but a few - it is no wonder that dear Ken was dazed and confused into thinking Hitler was a Zionist. Some of my best friends are Hitlers, so it's an outrageous comment to be making. As my good friends at Hezbollah used to say: "I've got 99 problems but my 99 wives ain't one".


DISCLAIMER: As always, this article is a spoof, and so the character and the views expressed are entirely fictitious. Although, there are some very real idiots out there who believe this stuff.

Thursday, 19 May 2016

UNICEF Report

Paying extortionate amounts of money to UNICEF (see Trash passim) seems to have gotten the school the celebrity treatment. We have reported on the visit of heartthrob Tom Hiddleston, but this week brought a fresh reminder that, however nice, the showbiz meet-and-greet is just a mutual ruse to create meaningless publicity.

The Head in his infinite (if not ultimately flawed) sense of media savvy found time in his busy schedule of learning walks and pretending to be a headteacher of a school to stop by for a great group shot with Coriolanus and one of the less evil cabinet members, but thankfully such a vomit-inducing picture of superficial media excellence (or should I say 'good’ness?) was contained to the school and UNICEF websites. That said, past experience tells us that the Head will find every physical way possible to post that glory shot wherever possible.

Despite purporting to be a 'talk’ with Hampstead students, there seemed to be surprisingly little talking on the part of the students in the video released and instead a lot of talking at students. In fact, the substantive part of the accompanying video of the event consisted of a heartfelt if slightly na├»ve piece to camera by the only one in the room who could remember lines (save the children, or the minister for that matter, or the Head…)

In a patronising tone, the Secretary of State said that after this meeting she wanted to go to the World Humanitarian Summit in Istanbul with some (pre-established) ideas and be “able to say ‘well this is what UK young people think’.” Not being funny, but the students, or ‘people of age minority’, in that room do not accurately represent what Hampstead Young people think and do (I mean, they did PSCHEJKSDF work for starters), let alone what all 11 million children in this country think. It doesn't take a mathematician to tell you a ten kids from a single school does not make a great sample to extrapolate for all kids.

Asked what the government was doing to ensure children were safe in school, Justine Greening MP commented on “how much we had tried to do” in responding to the Syria crisis, because dropping bombs on an already war-torn country makes kids safer. Unless, of course, she was referring to the child refugees fleeing the conflict, to whom the government had done the arse-end of nothing to help until they had been bullied into taking on more child refugees that day in a u-turn.

Now, there were some genuine points made in the UNICEF video, and so we suggest that you do read up a little on what UNICEF do, but, as is our fault with this event in particular, it is not enough to simply be aware of a problem. Talk about acting does not amount to action.