Thursday, 24 April 2014

Buzz Bashing - Spring Term 2014

RNow we thought our formatting was bad, or at least it is according to our IT technician Tim Burner-Slee, until we saw this term's Hampstead Buzz thump through our letter boxes like the body parts of a loved one. In retrospect, all Buzz's have been equally as rushed, last-minute, un-spellchecked, incoherent, mad writings, with all the airs and graces of a harpoon. But, despite the reminder of Article 17 (Right to information and Mass Media) at the base of the front page, which is laughable, we shall move on.

The Head's Message, baring a striking resemblance to the last Head's Message (like his rhetoric ever changes), began with a three-paragraph diatribe about the Achievement for All scheme that the school had readily invested over £10,000 in (but that wasn't mentioned) for nothing more than a planner sticker (that wasn't mentioned either). Not only was this matter slightly taken apart in a previous article, but the "kitemark" that the school bought was 'earnt' "last academic year", when the school had yet to show the true colours of its "Anti-bullying strategies". The fact that the Head is still banging on about it shows how little the school has earnt in the last year, not that we want any more achievements clogging up our doodling space.

Then we come to the second half of the message, that talks about the upcoming e-safety evening, that was postponed the first time around due to a 'tube strike', a by-word in the staff room for the apprehensive feeling that no one will come. Now, despite the Trash agreeing that e-safety is a valid thing and people should be aware of the problems of the internet, there are a few fatal flaws with this seminar. Firstly, it is not uncommon that teenagers tend to know more about computers and the internet than their elders. It only takes to look at an IT syllabus to see that what students are supposed to be 'learning' is already old news to them, and it out of date knowledge anyway. Secondly, in conjunction with the previous point, it is then very easy for students to override any form parental control, mostly because is it just another punitive disease, courtesy of Nanny State, that inhibits the freedoms of young people. Also, most parents would rather not monitor their children, perhaps because they have some small level of respect for them, unlike the Though Police SLT, or perhaps they would rather not have to scroll through the A-Z encyclopedia of porn of an evening. Finally, we think it a little coincidental that this evening was confirmed, with all the advice on censorship, monitoring and penalisation under the guise of safety just as this blog hit 1 year old. Do with that what you will.

Moving on from the heavy sarcasm, on the back page of this leaflet, that had about as much meat to it as Kate Moss, was a little vignette about a Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet no less, coming to Hampstead. The performance, performed by the Globe Trotters, consisted of key scenes from the play, because Year 9 can't sit down for more than an hour without getting fidgety, and was watched avidly by teachers, harking and swooning at lines such as "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou blazer?" and "A pair of star-cross'd lovers make out behind yonder bike-shed".

There was no greater tale of woe,
Than Jaques, and his Senior Team of Ludo

Most of the rest doesn't bear commenting on (or we just couldn't think of any jokes for them), and most of the notices were things yet to come (yeah, because they belong in "Highlights and Achievements"). However, as always, below are some of the many pictures, that we have given much needed captions too...

The manager of the teachers team, known as The Szpecial One, bemoaned his team's lack of penetration, and requested to sign a new sex-ed teacher in the summer transfer window. Here he is in his custom Mafia Boss Beige shirt.

Lemmings ready to jump.

Controversial new sex-ed class takes off.
"For sooth, blud."

East Quad United take to the pitch.                                                        EQU's rivals, West Quad City.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Students Send Implicit Message to School Council

Investigate journalist for the Trash, Moss Kemp (formerly of the Science Dept.), has recently uncovered some damning images for the School Council (see below) as an seemingly normal Suggestion Box was caught on camera filled with rubbish.

Whether or not this is a modern art commentary on the voice of the student we do not know, however, we are elated that students are publicly talking Trash. The Head has already said in a public statement that "This is a Good suggestion", and has beginning spending millions erecting a giant tangerine peel, some fag butts and a star of the hour card in the Quad.

The School Council have also responded to the issue, branding it a 'win' for the council, as they can now claim they are new bins.
Just another, normal, average, School Council bin, but...

Inside, students chat crap.

Friday, 4 April 2014

All change at East Quad United

A press conference was called at The House(TM) AstroTurf today as East Quad United announced the sacking of coach Ford Tranzitte, and his replacement by the world-renowned Winnie Bagoe.

PUNdits had criticised Tranzitte's bad results and poor miles to the gallon ratio, and had seen a continuation of his reign at EQU as a car crash.

The PUNdits have also praised the new coach's utilisation of space. It has been noted that whilst under pressure in an away game at Front Cage Arena, the home of EQU's arch-rivals West Quad City, Bagoe made a massive change by substituting his sofa for a fold out bed.

EQU fans and players alike have been reeling since the sale of star Theo Cracy to rivals WQC. Their form has subsided and they lie a lowly 2nd in the league (of 2). They hope the addition of such a big star as their coach can bring some stability and drive to a team including the likes of Dean Fender, Keith Peur and Beau Coupdebuts.

Winnie Bagoe himself was an acclaimed player, whom PUNdits attributed him to have an good engine, with lots in the tank, who drove his team across the line on many an occasion.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Bet DO3: Teachers vs Students match

Yet another bout of information given to us by our leak within the school: the odds used by the SLT to bet on the Teachers vs Students match that took place during lunchtimes on the past week for Sports Relief.

The odds, made by the man famed from the adverts proclaiming to bet #InPlayWithJaques, and from an email chain leading up to the events, are listed below:

• South African to score at anytime - 95/1
• Teacher to have leg broken during (or after) game - 2/1
• Players with similar skin colour to be confused by referee (√† la Andr√© Marriner) - 5/2
• Sports Relief money to actually go to Sports Relief - 7,000,000,000/1

Basketball (Mens')
• Black student to score - 1/1
• Student Team to look manly in bright pink - 45,000/1
• Tall teacher to overpower smaller student - 7/2
• Pubescent boys on the student team to have excellent ball-handling skills

Netball (Womens')
• 90% of crowd to be male - 2/1
• Sweat produced by players to be enough to feed neighbouring plants for a month - 5/4
• Referees to pay more close attention to this game 1/1
• Fouled basketball players to lose out subsequently 2/1

Unfortunately betting is now closed as the events have passed, however, there are odds going around, in lieu of Friday's mile run as to how many students are to either a) collapse b) go to Sam's or c) buggar off home an hour early.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Breaking News: Submitted April 1st

Today the Head and the SLT have announced that the Trash had been officially recognised as a student body.

In a statement, School spokeswoman Avril Le Premiere said: "After a year's battle between the management and that blog, we've finally decided to acknowledge there's some sensible suggestions we could look to take on board."

Controversial figure-afro Kinnan SLUDGE Zaloom has also submitted a statement, albeit a written one. Workers for The Trash were unable to decipher these Mad Writings, bar certain phrases of Fruity Language unable to be heard by a fifty-something north London comprehensive headteacher.