Monday, 30 November 2015

Those Special Hampstead Blick Friday Deals You Missed:

Yes, after having nothing to give thanks for, Hampstead students were given the rare opportunity to buy old crap that the school were clearing out their propaganda stock cupboards at bargain prices last Friday. Getting in on the action, the Hampstead Trash managed to shift the majority of our Blazer-hoods, Malbikeshed cartons and pink llamas, which were, in hindsight, an impulse buy. Anyway, here are those very szpecial Blick Friday deals you missed:

An Authentic second-hand Hampstead Treacle Dispenser - Only 50p! And comes with FREE Year 7 child attached to it* (*like security tag, cannot be removed, however hard you try)

A Shrinkable Jelly - cooked up by CaterLink, this item will give you seconds of entertainment! Watch as the jelly literally disappears in front of your eyes! 60p* (while stocks last and/or are still visible)

Gaffer Tape - Sick of schoolchildren saying what they think out loud? Tired of other peoples' opinions? This is the gift for you: simply attach a small piece to the problem's face and enjoy the sweet sound of silence! £1.00

10% Off Lobotomy (We literally take 10% off) - Sick of schoolchildren saying what they think out loud? Tired of other peoples' opinions? This is the gift for you: simply present this voucher at our clinic, and enjoy not having to think anymore!

Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye Kids' Doll -  Now comes with touchy-feely features! Simply rub his belly to get him say nine different catchphrases including "Now then, now then" and "Tie my Kangaroo down, sport!" £6.66

Plus FREE Hampstead 50th Anniversary Mug - because there are not enough mugs in the world to buy these.

63% Off Vintage Hampstead 'Motivational' Banners - own your very own motivational poster, with assorted messages from 'A SHOOL THUT REDZ' to 'RELEASE YOUR POTENTIAL'

Friday, 27 November 2015

Selfie-ish Indulgence

We didn't think the Head could get more vain, but there is nothing more narcissistic than raising one's phone above one's head in the name of documenting the various situations of one's own face:

Evidently, the Head was taking a photo of the latest phase of the construction process of the New Building, something he evidently finds of interest along with the trains of London, how long it takes for paint to dry, and the composition of different concretes. Of course, the school rules state "No mobile phones or other electrical devices allowed out on school site" but, then again, the Head is above the law.

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Head Picks Out New Members of SLT

This image was taken of the Head during the Camden Planning meeting that decided the fate of the New Building. We came up with the below idea, but readers are welcome to suggest their own captions in the comments section below.

The Head has today announced the appointment (geddit?) of new staff picked out by yours truly. In a statement he remarked that the applicants had been developed 'within his headship' at the school, and said that he had found the candidates 'right under his nose'.

Some of the criteria expected in candidates for the job were said to include having a slippery quality, being able collect dust and germs, and an ability to be wrapped around the Head's finger.

In a Lord Sugar style, the Head was said to have sat at a desk and pointed at the contenders uttering the words "You're hired" (see photo).

Monday, 23 November 2015

Uniform to Uniform

Only a few weeks in and the new school police officer has already been roped into the unrelenting work of the SLT, enforcing the ever-stricter uniform rules. There have been sightings across school over the past week or so of the new plod rather aggressively willing students to, most often, put on their blazers, as well as confiscating outdoor jackets (which some will note are necessary for the current winter weather) and even threatening 6th formers about showing earphones before school.

Regardless of the objections we, and the majority of students, have about the stringent uniform rules, as a Safer Schools Officer, the in-school plod is not supposed to get involved in the running of the school, and is certainly not there to enforce the Management's will in their capacity as a police officer. Nowhere in the Safer Schools Partnership Guidance (published by the government) does it say that officers are to enforce the school rules; they have a separate set of aims to fulfil within the wider school community. In fact, the guidance for officers says that they should instead foster "more positive relations between young people and the police", which is hard to do when you are barking at them.

Friday, 20 November 2015

Speak Week - Best Left Unspoken

Like a sad, ill-judged fart, Speak Week was short and a little wet. As with some of the 'initiatives' that have come before it (Drop Everything and pretend to Read, the Sport Relief 1 Mile piss off home), Speak Week was less a thing everyone could rally behind (like non-school uniform days) and more a dimed-down showpiece to hand the Ofsted officers when the looming inspection finally arrives.

For Hampstead, 'Speak Week' means forcing teachers to incorporate some form of speaking and listening activity into every lesson, even though speaking and listening is not tested at GCSE or A Level in a majority of subjects now, and if it is, they are probably already doing it in class as it would then be an integral part of the qualification. For everyone else, Speak Week is a time when a lot of universities and their respective student unions listen to student views on a wide range of subjects, in a hope to address them. Why the difference in meaning? Why do you think - one is way easier to implement and doesn't invite difficult questions and opinions, whilst the other one sounds like the powers that be giving a crap about what people think.

The situation isn't helped by the state of the so-called 'student voice' at Hampstead at the moment. We know we've repeatedly pointed out that the Student Council has all the effectuality of a mouldy lemon, but, if only for the satirical material, it's still worth at least having on. After the initial hoo-hah at the start of the term about 'real' student elections, even using the same system that Labour used for their Leadership elections, the elected student council has yet to convene, almost a third of the year in, and no dates for meetings have been released.