Friday, 24 October 2014

Enrichment Day - East Quad gets Uranium

East Quad, famously part of the old Eastern ('New') Block, has recently announced they have gone nuclear, and have called (today) Friday Enrichment Day, so called after the process.

Controversial new leader of the rogue state Sum Long Ting made the announcement last Monday, and has been met with political outcry from other sections of the school, Preston Montgomery Saddleton saying in a speech: "Bwuauaah!" 

Maximillian Oscar-Oolong, commenting from his post in the twin school in Brussels, said "Bwer, well, if we, err, they, err, get nuclear power, we might actually start having to care about them. A-wibble." However leader of the school council, Farah Wayward, was not so quick to be appauled by the news. In a statement she said: "I hope that, come next year's elections  we can grow a prosperous relationship with East Quad, just as we have with Highbury & Kynaston."

This is not the first section of the school to have radioactive capabilities, with West Quad developing Weapons of Mass Disappointment, in what was known as the Science Block Project. It is rumoured that these have been used by the infamous Year 7-snatching technician, whose subsequent dumping of bodies in the Pond has led to Three Eyed Fish. 

The rest of the school waits with unbated breath.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Even More Advertising Trash

We decided to take after the school and, thanks to a handy advertising website, got to mock-up some Trash ads...

Cookie Cartels expand territory, undercut vendors of useless tourist tat

Trash spreads the word of His Sludginess to chicken shops other than Sam's

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Head Says Words, People Put Hands Together To Make Noise

With the start of a new academic year comes a fresh bout of prospective pond teabaggers Year 7's and their parents, and, of course, what better to put them off than (no it isn't us) the Head himself. With grand tours of the empire every Tuesday, followed by a talk in the Head, we sent an envoy to do the Hampstead experience. As well as noticing that there was one governor in attendance (every time according to our sources), either for monitoring, or simply making up the numbers, on the day there was a sorrowful turnout of approximately fifteen, perhaps due to the 12% drop in GCSE's Hampstead suffered this summer.

Below are some of the quotes from the Head's rousing speech, and our responses to them (please excuse the general frustration in the tone of some):

The school has a "moral imperative" - Yeah, make sure that 'moral imperative has nothing to do with  a phone, and never makes it to Glasgow. Is 'moral imperative the same as a 'duty of care'? In which case it is most definitely 'imperative' that the school reviews their grasp of 'moral's. Indeed, the schools perception of morals is worse than the Food Standards Inspectors perception of Merals. 

The school suposedly gives students "ability to articulate values" - Unless its on a satirical blog, in which case you have no rights.

"at Hampstead we know what we are doing" - Are you sure about that? Really?

When talking about results:"in 2015, next year, we know it will be best ever" - You dont know. It wasn't even our best ever this year (far from it), and to achieve it would have to be a 12%+ hike in grades.

"never going to be complacent" - Glasgow, phone call, SLUDGE, you get the jist.

"never being stuck with one single ideology" - But never anarchism. No no no no no, that's one Ideology too far. The idea that every government could be possibly corrupt? We'll have none of that here. Alternately, at the moment the Ideology of the Month (for the past 24 months) is Totalitarianism.

"moral purpose in school" - See 'moral imperative'; its basically the same thing.

"very, very safe school" - Unless, of course, you write for a satirical critical blog (or say anything that isn't in line with the Party's School's rhetoric), in which case watch your back, there's a Szemalikowski on the loose!

"our mould fits the children, not fitting the children to our mould" - Apart from uniform, no, that mould has to be kept to without fault.

"big on discipline" - Again, #Trashgate. you can see the theme.

"free from disruption" - apart from the Head's and the SLT's lerning warks, which, as any student will say, are about as disrupting as someone barging into a lesson unannounced, having a pop at a few students regardless of what's happening, then leaving in the same fashion. Teachers often drop what

"attendance is high" - £55k worth? There's high and then there's 'not worth it, its a false economy'.

The school has "no control over admissions" - Then why, in God's name, bother advertise so incessantly and without fail for solid months to prospective parents, running up bills for the school tens of thousands of pounds high?


If you don't get a choice in which students you end up with, why bother try and entice those taken by the posters and the ads in the papers? Surely those funds could be reallocated to benefiting the students you actually get, not the ones you would like to have in your wet dream of Hampstead school's future?

Friday, 17 October 2014

LEAKED Motivational Banner Designs 2014

With the premature '6-Year-Trend', 'School Bucks National Trend' & '75% G*-U' banners chucked in one of the several million Trash receptacles dotted around Hampstead, and the Banner Design Committee School Council back to the drawing board (because 'It used to be a maybe-5-Year-Trend, but now we're back to a no-year-trend', 'School exactly the same as National Trend' & '75% Not even worth retaking' don't have exactly the same ring to them), we managed to eek out some of the many ideas being bandied around for this year's bout of indoctrinated bunting...

"ACCEPT BTEC"

"I CAN'T DO IT. YOU WERE RIGHT."

"VOTE ABDI"


"Set your goals high, then lower them, lower them, lower them some more. Now anything you do will be exceeding expectations!"

"SOD IT"

"IGNORE YOUR POTENTIAL"

"VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNOLOGY COLLEGE"

"SERVE AND OBEY"

"Media GCSE, badabababa I'm lovin' it"

"According to article 1 of the Rights of the Child, which we, as a Rights Respecting School have to respect, WE ARE ALL EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS"

"I HAVE A DREAM, THAT ONE DAY OUR STUDENTS WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER BUT BY THEIR BLAZER"

"BIG BROOKMAN IS WATCHING YOU"

Thursday, 16 October 2014

School Scraps ETC.

The school has done the only thing good for the ETC. 'Student' magazine and thrown it in the Trash according to new posters from the English department.

The adverts signposted recently reveal a 'new launch' for a 'Hampstead Magazine', claiming it will be 'giving you a voice at Hampstead', which we very much doubt. We hate to cast a shadow over something that has yet to be produced, but judging by the poster featuring two shutterstock chinless wonders in the background, two of the characters from TV show Smallville, who run a fictitious newspaper (which seems apt when describing ETC); as well as the general lack of decent formatting (we know that teachers don't get a lot of spare time but, I mean seriously, who sat back, looked at that and thought "yeah, that looks like a 'good' poster"?), we fear it is already following in its failed predecessor's footsteps.

There are, obviously, other flaws in an otherwise flawed plan. In an attempt to make the content less indigestible, the school are only asking for "GCSE or Sixth Form students" for the job, excluding (like the school does so well) the rest of the school. We, at the Trash, the school's unofficial publication, still going strong at a year and eight months, is glad to say that our writers and contributors come from all different years, and the reason the content is so much better is not only because there are decent editors (the editors edited that in) without the conformist Orwellian ideals of Szemelikowski's Little Terrors, but those that wish to express their views on the school (rather than write pointless fan fiction) do so with a certain level of effort.

Under the 'why' section of the poster it remarks "To report news and help organise our team of reporters". Now, assuming that the indoctrinated Magazine cannot report a large chunk of the goings on at Hampstead (i.e, what we report on), because most of it would be considered 'bad' press for the school (or just 'news' for other humans), what with most of the happenings at Hampstead consisting of who's done what or who's done who, they will, regrettably, be left with a very slim band of 'good' news about Hampstead, like the fact that the Head recently had his third helipad installed this week. Even with that said, this publication has, insofar, only been published less than annually, which would make this already slim amount of faux news outdated as well, making any possible new magazine a more badly written version of the Buzz (hard to imagine, I know).

Ironically enough, we at The Trash had predicted the demise of ETC, saying it would go the way of the iBehave. Albeit, that's hardly a surprise when the market you're in is 6 month old recycled internet articles and "may-mays", meaning your only competition is the Metro and 9Gag, and you manage to be worse than both of them. Heck, even the Buzz has more literary credit, and that's more drenched in propaganda than the BBC before the Clacton by-election.

We feel for the poor soul who has taken on trying to resurrect and already sunken ship, but we fear, as the old name suggests, the vicious cycle of school publications' demises will continue, and so on, and so on, et cetera, et cetera...