Thursday, 18 September 2014

#AstroDecides

Just as Spain had feared, the Scottish referendum has set a precedent, with the region of Astroturf holding a referendum on the same day to see if they can become independent of the School. If this were to pass, there are rumours the could cede to the UCS fields (because the private school bastards haven't stolen enough off us Comprehensive plebs).

The referendum itself has the Yes or No question "Yo, u fink dat da Astroturf mandem shud split from da rest of the school mandem?". The two campaigns have arisen, with "Yeah, alright" ran by the equivalent of... erm... that Salmon guy, Didier Poisson (a resident of the Langwageofyce, in the Borders territory), and "No Fam" run by Professor I. Brouze. 


"Unique Logos bigger No-Go than Yaya Sanogo on a Pogo"


Head of Estate Jaques Szmurdakowski (and his sideman Dr. Darling) promised greater autonomy to the Astroturf if they voted No Fam, for example giving them their own independent School Council to make decisions on smaller issues, like picking up litter and what propaganda to put up in that area, however the power in important decisions like new bins would remain at the main Council in Ingerlish Blok. It has also been rumoured said that Szmurdakowski would allow the Astroturf to actually set a timetable for who could use the back cage on any given day.

The latest polls (as can be seen below) suggest, when Don't Knows and Don't Cares are eliminated, the campaigns are neck and neck, with 0 supporters each. With an expected turnout of 2 (that's people, not percent), this is too close to call and will be fascinating viewing. 


Monday, 15 September 2014

An Inspector Calls (the University you want to go to)

The school is to be inspected by Camden Council this Monday and Tuesday due to the rapid fall in grades that has befallen 2014's results, the Trash has heard. 

According to a school source the inspection, that is due to take place in the early part of the week commencing the 15th, is a result of Hampstead falling in this year's league tables, coming 16th out of 19 schools in the local area.

However, this hasn't deterred the school management, it seems. Spotted in this week's Camden New Journal is an ad by the school, this time a lot smaller and with many of the already strenuous claims removed.

With all the subtlety of a 5-tonne boulder, the school ran with the headline "Results given thumbs up"; obviously the Head's idea of giving 'thumbs up' is to say that "This year’s results can’t be compared to any other year". What's also certain is that any thumbs up would be followed by "Yeah, they are crap". The school has unfortunately confused 'thumbs' with other bodily appendages, such as a 'heads up' for the local council, or even 'cock up'.

We would have thought that after the show of results and the school's slightly premature advert that landed on the same day, the school would have eaten their words, but it seems, in the case of this advert they have simply chewed them and spat them back out again. Frequent readers will notice that the text of the advert is almost identical to the adverts published last year, and all ads since, showing that the school can be about as imaginative as a Coldplay single.

The advert can be seen below, and Hampstead's Coldplay Tribute band, Wetplay, has their latest single Jello available on iTunes.


"The C11 will guide you home, Bunsen Burners ignite your bones, and I will try, to Fix A* to U's"

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Colder than the Minister for Education's Heart

Recently, in an effort to raise money and awareness for various charities/thinly veiled publicity stunt, members of the SLooT,  have performed 'The Ice Bucket Challenge, wherein they pour a bucket of ice water over their head and nominate more people to carry out the circlejerk task, meaning that currently most of the staff of the school have been doused in ice water, becoming even colder than usual.

Different departments have taken it into their own hands to decide which charities to donate to and which methods to use in said act.

The Ingerlisch Dehpatehmon opted to donate their money to the charity "Don't Spoil the Endz", which donates books to the deprived children of South London Endz, who use the donations as feeble kindling during the coming winter months. They also nominated Zadie Smith and Tobias Hill, simply stating "You can never escape our wrath".

The Science Department took the more traditional approach and donated their money to MND and ALS charities, after ensuring their "challenge" was a fair test by maintaining that their water was at 0°C and was safely tipped off of a clamp stand by a year seven. Taking the charitable message perhaps a little too far, they have nominated Steven Hawking.

The Maths Department have been more hypothetical than practical, as ever, and have released their video in the form of a word problem. "If ten people nominate me, how long will it take me to decide it's all farce anyway and go back to bed?".

As always the BLT stole the show with their video, in which both the Head and his ego chant the UN Charter of the Rights of the Child while having ice water poured over their head(s?). The Head has nominated Michael Gove, and whoever is responsible for the Head's numerous TV appearances.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Caption Competition #5

This one was taken from the school's website, under their 'news' section. As the school features in the news a lot (mainly because of us), we can only assume that there is no good news...





Thursday, 4 September 2014

OUTRAGE IN COUNCIL COMMONS

Outrage has struck the School Council Commons this week after a spate of hypocritical decisions by council leader Farah Wayward that are said to be politically motivated (Herself a member of the Sam's N P), one councillor, a Maximilian Oscar-Oolong, calling it "outrageous that a politician would go against their own word for their own personal gains", this publication has heard.

The first incident that sparked discontent came soon after the euro elections, where Hampstead voted to send away Preston Montgomery Saddleton to our twin school in Brussels, le Hampster, to thouroughly piss them off. It was reported that Cllr Wayward had partaken of secret meetings with school councillors of Highbury & Kynaston, making future plans of joint enterprise between the two councils after the next election in whenever the school get flagged up about their poor rights record a few years, despite no guarantee that they will win the next election. This surety in Cllr Wayward that they would win had the opposite effect, her treachery causing poll ratings to decrease, as well as opposition shouting "Ougheehh!"

Already decreasing in popularity over the dealings with Highbury & Kynaston, for which have since stopped, the next sensation in the commons came when ur mum walked in when a long-lasting patron of the council Cllr Dobby left and was given his freedom. After over thirty years service as MP for Back Cage and Back Cage North, he was given a school tie and told he could go free. In a press statement he said "I would rather have had a sock."

However, with his resignation came the opportunity for many politicians of the council to take his post in the next election. Cllr Wayward, who had previously said "I will not step down as Council Leader to become an MP" this week said "I am stepping down as Council Leader to become an MP". This again caused outrage, Oscar-Oolong saying to press "Cllr Wayward is giving politicians a bad name. We are not two-faced, lying, hypocritical, money-grabbing bastards."

Political commentator, Robert Pesto, said of the situation: "Its a sad thing, because Cllr Wayward has got herself into a sort of catch 22 situation. Because of what she has done in recent weeks, she probably wont win the seat, and if she were to stay as Council Leader, then she wouldn't end up as MP. However, she would keep her job."

Cllr Wayward continues to thouroughly annoy the commons and her constituents, and continues to look like fat Sue Perkins.