Monday, 25 August 2014

world fury & accidents !!!

Continuing the trend of analysing ETC II, we get to the Sport section. This was one article (if you could call it that) which summed up the recent FIFA World Cup in Brazil into 4 photos about the fouls that took place. This, the World Cup which many pundits have dubbed one of the best ever, which included the Dutch 5-1 drubbing of holders Spain, little old Costa Rica coming top of a group containing 3 former World Cup winners and reaching the Quarter Finals, and the Germans embarrassing hosts Brazil 7-1 in the Semi Finals. But no. Not a mention of this. Only of Suarezas [sic], who plays for Uraguay [sic again], biting an opponent; or Pepe's headbutt coming "as the anger of Portugal's defeat got to him" when they were only 2-0 down with over 50 mins of football still to play [not sic now, I'm spewing]. But let's crack on. 

Here's how big moments of world history would be seen if in the Sports section of ETC:

1) jfk got shot by oswald! he was driving through
dallas and he got hit in the head by a
bullet!!! some say its a conspiracy coz the cia did it because the goverment was corrupt [Headditor: There is no chance what so ever that a lovely capitalist government could be corrupt!]

2) the nuclaer power plant in chernobyl in modern day russia
did explode!!! lots of people had to
 run away !! :(

3) man walked on the moon! naasa sent a rocket 
up to the moon and buzz aldrin first walked on the
moon with woody armstrong!!1111  

5) mandela relesed from south african prison at the end of slavery! he
refused to give up his seat on a buss!!!

DISCLAIMER: All errors and mistakes are intentional, as this article is a spoof of the original ETC. piece, that did have very real and unintentional typos, in addition to terrible formatting, as shown above.

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Agony Aunt/Uncle/Other Gender

As ETC II came out (to such little fanfare we didn't notice until just recently) in June, we again read the Agony Aunt article and again deemed them to be nothing like the real questions would be like from real Hampstead students. For the article almost exactly like this one written previously by SLUDGE and Dale E. Male, click here. Since we doubt there are a 'Stressed out Soldier' and 'the Soul of Curiosity' at Hampstead, we decided to ask some more relevant questions to our resident Agony Aunt and ex-Daily Mail editor, Aunty Immi Gration:

Q: I'm coming into Year 10 and this will be the 12th time I've been knocked up now. Shall I just give up and have the kid? 
A: Erm, ok, wow. Is it like a revolving door down th... Don't print that. My advice would be no, because imagine how much you hate a Year 7. That is what having a baby is like. Don't do it, and from now on take the pill (not E, the contraceptive); or learn to cross your legs because as The Good Lord, The Flying Spaghetti Monster said in Abdi 69: "Sex before marriage is haram and makes you a slag innit".

Q: I've been selling cookies for a year now, and I think I have some addicted Year 7s now. What do I do?
A: Ok, this is a tricky one, because on the one hand if the Year 7s overdose on Choc Chip then you lose a customer, but you also need to get the money to spend on Creps and Snapbacks and ting. I recommend limiting their cookie consumption, but even if they do OD, it's only one more dead Year 7 to chuck into the pond. 

Q: I was arrested by the thought police because I thought a 'blazer' was something you bunned spliff in. How can I convince them it was an honest mistake?
A: Its an easy mistake to make, and one that any Norf Weezian could make. Explain that you didn't mean to sully their uniform, and would, in future, catch all the smoke in your snapback.

Q: I owe big money to the Doughnut Sharks, like a few hundred quid, and I have no way to pay them off. What do I do?
A: Run. Run and hide. Or, you could try paying them off. You could start selling your own stuff (crack cocaine, sea monkeys, bibles) and giving them the money. Have you ever heard of a Ponzi Scheme?

Q: I'm enchanted with anarchist ideologies, and fear that every government is inherently corrupt. What should I do?
A: Stop these mad writings at once! The best thing you can do is 1) quell your beliefs that are offensive to my place in public office, 2) report yourself to your prospective university, & 3) stay out of the media.

Q: I'm a Headteacher of a large comprehensive, who has had a lot of hassle over the past year because of some opinionated students voicing their views of my changes and decisions. How do I get them to stop?
A: Don't be a dick.

Saturday, 23 August 2014


Figures from Hampstead GCSE Results Day last Thursday showed that GCSE Results had slumped in all areas for the first time in five years, according to local paper the Ham & High.

Results up on their website showed that the number of A*-A's had decreased significantly by 12%, from 27% in 2013 to 15% this year. Equally, the percentage of 5A*-C's (including Ingrish and Maths) had gone from 63% to 51%, meaning just over half the percentage of students passed. This showed again a 12% fall in those passing GCSE's, leaving 49% of GCSE Results underwhelming, making it the lowest results since before 2008, and before the now depleted 5 Year Trend. E-Baccalaureate results (if anyone even cares) also took a hit at Hampstead, going from a 30% pass rate last year to 27% this year.

In response to this fall in results, the Head, Jacques Szomeonetakemeseriouslykowski, commented: "A lot of headteachers around the country will be quite cross about what’s happened this year. [...] The course has been changed halfway through – that’s no way to run an education service. This year’s results can’t be compared to any other year, that’s for certain.” Now, most of what the Head said was very accurate, and he has every right to be just as annoyed about the rules on qualifications changing as the students were undertaking them, although probably for the wrong reasons, as well as leveling the accusation at the current government that what had happened was 'no way to run an education system', however, we find it slightly one-sided that it's 'certain' that 'this year's results can't be compared to any other year', because it would look very poor on the school's behalf, it would be a definite end to the 5 Year Trend and the Head's glory period, but if we had a rise in grades, and were once again 'bucking the national trend' (excuse the double entendre), 2014's results would become very comparable.

"can't be compared with any other year" - just did. You're not gonna like it, sir, its got what we would call a 'negative
gradient'. And 'negative' anything never plays well.
The fact that the Head is excluding this year's results just shines a light on the Orwellian ways the school has with dealing with bad press, things that make them look bad and anything that contravenes their deluded ideas that they somehow have a "perfect" school.

With this year's banners in the rubbish bin, more news about A-Levels came in the form of a League Table (you would think the Head would be loving a League Table, but this specific one he won't like) in the centre of this week's Ham & High, where Hampstead ranked 16th of all 19 local schools, and of those it was 10th out of all the local state schools; top 2% of 6th Forms my arse.

In the same newspaper, in the education insert, there was featured not one but two adverts for Hampstead School, one page after the other. Intelligent readers will instantly recognise this is stupid in something that people read. Many frequent readers will know our reservations about the school advertising, but it seems wasteful and nigh-on insensitive to publish duplicate adverts a day after many students went home unhappy. That £2464.40, that was spent on a half-page and similar full-page, that bears a resemblance (see below) to those that featured in An Unwavering Journey to Dismay, could have easily been reconstituted into money for retakes.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Top Ingrish

Most of the guest articles we receive are well-versed student opinion pieces, anecdotes and, on occasion, some literature, however, once-in-a-blue-moon we receive some utter, completely illiterate, unspellchecked, bile, so we understand where the ETC. magazine get their 'amazing' "Creative and Non-fiction pieces". So, in the spirit of their banality, we lifted the following from one of said articles that failed to make the editorial cut:

Head delivers autumn statement
Today the decapitated head, mr lemoncoughsweet, delivered his speech to the oh so brilliant school council (OMG ONE DIRECTION, AAAAAAAGH!).

In his spech of economic recovery, the Lord of the Fishes declared that Cricklewood Comprehensive will be cutting back on school funds, yet still increasing his banner spending. Over the course of the speech a couple of hooligans known only as abdi and Abdullah, burst into the room and bombrded the head and his minions with double chocolate cookies. They were later caught and excluded.

The decapitated head concluded with informing the council with the wise words of "We will make more banners! Mohammed Labanah King Jr will not stop us today! Rise minions, RISE!!"
-Meg Usta

(Please excuse the lack of the following corrections, in chronological order: [capital] D, [capital] A, [capital] S, [capital] D, [capital] H, [capital] M, fullstop, [capital] L, 2x hyphens, [capital] S, [capital] C, e, [capital] A, a, [capital] H, [capital] D, [capital] H, as well as the general lack of syntax, diction, finesse, humour and sense of plot.)

Book Review: Of Mice and Men
by our Year 11 Literary Correspondent, Li Tracy

Didn't read it. Is it important?

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

With the coming of this June came the arrival of the Second Edition of the school's 'student' magazine. With roughly a 370-day turnaround, it was an understatement when the editors said in their opening remarks that the last year had "been a bumpy road". With an output rating equal to that of Edison's first lightbulb, the second edition, much like the first, offered inconsequential, banal witterings that had, once again, sod all to do with the school. We hate to condemn the work of fellow students, but this 'publication' gave nothing more than incompetent, ill-thought-through, incomprehensible rubbish, tantamount to faecal offerings on a side of A4, which had had any bite and wit edited out, as per the censorious doctrines of the school's leadership. It only takes to look at the front cover to see the glaring evidence of SLT influence over the publication, honing Article 31 of the Rights of a Child at its base.

The first faux-pas of the editorial message was to say that the 'magazine' "contains internal and external stories, events, and information that appeals to students of all year groups". Of all the articles and pieces, two were related to 'external' media (out of all those that could have possibly arisen and been written about in those 370 days) and no articles that in any way had anything to do with Hampstead School (and they wonder why we are here), begging the question if it even warrants being called a student magazine. A typical student publication focuses on student opinion, stories concerning students within school and in education as a wider system. This delivered none of those aspects (1-0 to Trash).

The editors say that wannabe writers must "fill in an application form and go through an interview" to join their dwindling team, presumably the application form to make sure they are capable of writing and the interview to find out if they are still interested after realising what they were applying for. They also said that "improvements have been made. For example, this year it was easier to get straight to the point of what needed to be done". We fail to see any such improvements, apart from the fact that there is a greater volume of crap, rather than it being confined to two sheets of A3 paper.

They also mentioned "a new section called ‘Creative and Non-fiction pieces’ containing short stories and an article; this is because we had so many amazing entries of writing pieces that it was pretty difficult to fit them all in, so this section allowed us to include as many as we possibly could", which seems ironic when a third of them were by magazine writers. This didn't stop them being badly formatted and badly edited, giving E.L James a run for her money.

Of the publication, there were two emoticons, nine badly pixelated images (no doubt courtesy of Mr. G. Images, or Ms. S. Stock), and 30 spelling, punctuation and grammar problems that you would have thought wouldn't have made it through the watchful gaze of the Ingrish Durparmunt, who head up the magazine. Upon trying to read the magazine, ex-Leader of the Trash simply said to the editors: "I could have shat a magazine with better grammar".

Because we are feeling fairly merciless, we will expand on the certain aspects on the magazine, such as the Agony Aunt page, where they describe a (fictional) student as 'dopey' (from the word 'dope', a drug) as a child who has done something stupid, implying a stupid child therefore must be on drugs (close-word analysis for all you Ingrish teachers out there). Despite our tom-foolery, there is a serious point to all this, in that the ETC. magazine reaffirms what we have said, that 'official' channels for student opinion about school have been exhausted and simply do not work.