Thursday, 18 December 2014

Hampstead School Songbook - Christmas Edition (Part I)

As a secular, multi-cultural and multi-religious school, we enjoy the festivities of the birth of Christ as much as the next school. This year the school has teamed up with us to produce the following set of songs and carols that remain festive, but relate to the school and its people...

O Come All Ye Late For
O Come All Ye Late for
English and DT,
O come ye, O come ye to Hampstead.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of East Quad;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Jacques the Lord.

Deck the Halls (Behind the Bikeshed Edition)
Find a girl and make her jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Have a kid and call her Holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our wavey titles,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Low slung jeans are very vital,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazin' joint before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
We forgot to make a chorus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Jingle Bells
Jacques smells, Jacques smells
SLT will say
Oh, what fun it is to write
on a blog in this fun way.
Jacques smells, Jacques smells
Management can say:
Oh, what fun it is to send
A kid home for the day

Dashing through the road
Working out a way
To get past the guards
with no blazer, say
The drunks are saying:
Make the spirits light
What fun it is to laugh and sing
Whilst the cartels have a fight

Oh, Jacques smells, Jacques smells
SLT will say
Oh, what fun it is to write
on a blog in this fun way.
Jacques smells, Jacques smells
Management can say:
Oh, what fun it is to send
A kid home for the day

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Christmas Crackers

After yesterday's Christmas 'lunch', we managed to scupper away some of the mandatory crackers that accompany this most holy of 'meals', and found that Hampstead School had this year chosen to use their own brand of cracker (which only came in red, black or white), containing what the Management considered to be 'jokes' and 'gifts'. This is what we found:

First, the jokes, by the subject they were nominated from:

English
"Shakespeare walks into the science block and asks for pencils. The technician replies: '2B or not 2B?'"
"What does Santa call his cousins? Subordinate Clauses."
"Three verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave."
"A synonym ambles into a pub."

Maths
"What happened to the plant in the maths office? It grew square roots."
"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side."

Science
"Why didn't the skeleton go to the school dance? He didn't have any BODY to take."
"If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed."
"If H20 is water what is H204? Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . ."

Social Sciences
"How did the geography student drown? His grades were below C-level."
"What's the difference between A level geography and GCSE geography? For A level you need 6 colouring pencils instead of 3."

Performing Arts
"What happens when you throw a piano onto a Year 7? A flat minor."
"My music teacher screamed when she stabbed herself whilst trying to unlock a door. It was a sharp key."

School's favourite
"What's the difference between a dead prostitute and school? School still sucks!"

P.E
"Haha, ur mum"

And then a selection of the gifts that you could have received:

Official School Mascot Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye
touchy-feely soft toy.
The Hampstead School Map of Great
Britain

Hampstead Baubles: yes, they are leftover stock from
last year.


A HB pencil.
































Now we're off to cringe until we have palpitations, so until tomorrow night, assalamualaikum.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Critiquing the Xmas School Dinner

Having not posted an article for a while, it has been revealed that Heywood Jablome has been doing some culinary learning in France. What better way to put these learned skills (and get the taste of snails and frogs out of your mouth), than to return to the joys of the Year Rooms, and some Caterlink deliciousness.

Caterlink are oft-criticised. But it is this, the most wonderful time of the year, where they come into their own. Where queues aren't just full of people on free-school meals picking up a baguette to sell at a profit, but chock-a-block with everyone who would be usually getting Chicken Wings, or dreaming of £1 kebab meat (rip in piece sweet angel Merals). Today I'll rate the meal everyone loves, even more than Fish and Chip Friday (or Findus Undisclosed Meat Lasagne).

The game was tenderly confied in a stock that resembled that thick reduction reminiscent of the jus that we know and love from our childhood lunches of our Primary years; thick, brown, viscous with hints of thyme, Caterlink own brand rum, and engine oil. The pomme de terre fondants managed to, as they do every year, be both dry on the outside and slimy on the interior; exquisite. There was some lovely Stuffing on the side, whose shape, texture and flavour bared remarkable similarity to Lego. As always the seasonal vegetable accompaniment was sous vide to within an inch of its life, and the garden salad (petits pois) was fantastically moist (like ur m0m). There was also some Cranberry Sauce, perched on a ledge waiting to spill its red contents all over the floor (a striking resemblence to the majority of the queue).

For pudding, a classic in a light-but-somehow-sawdusty biscuit dowsed lovingly in a polystyrene bowl with ice cream with a texture similar to 3 day old slushy yellow snow. Plate dressing was delicate and preserved, as is any with the fine and skilled use of a scoop.

I also asked some others on their thoughts of the locals on, what I had thought was their favourite meal, but then I was informed by a rather passionate Slavic man:
"REMOVE TURKEY remove turkey. 
 you are worst caterlink. you are the caterlink idiot you are the caterlink smell. return to camden cuoncil. to our camden cousins you may come our contry. you may live in the zoo….ahahahaha ,slt we will never forgeve you. cetnik rascal F**k but f**k asshole caterlink stink slt sqhipere shqipare..slt trashgate best day of my life. take a bath of dead caterlink..ahahahahahSLT WE WILL GET YOU!! REMOVE KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES. you will get caught/ kinnan alive in trash, kinnan making article of trash . fast rap kinnan trash. we are rich and have gold now hahahaha ha because of kinnan… you are ppoor stink caterlink… you live in a hovel hahahaha, you live in a yurt
 kinnan alive numbr one #1 in trash….f**k the camden council ,..F**Kk ashol caterlinks no good i spit in the mouth eye of ur flag and contry. kinnan aliv and real strong wizard kill all the caterlink farm aminal with rap magic now we the trsh rule. trash greattst websight"
Moving on from this, I ran away to the comfort of my plastic seat and chess-piece-strewn table to eat. The decor of empty KA bottles and professional leet hax0rs playing CODWOWLOL| in the corner. This decor is possibly the most run down I have seen, and therefore, I love the rustic feel and general hipsteryness of it. I rate the Turkey 6/10, but for atmosphere, I rate it 9/10, so overall it's an 8 from me.

Caught slipping: Twitter celebrity gets in on Festive charitable work

Monday, 15 December 2014

7 THINGS WE LEARNT THIS WEEK AT HAMPSTEAD (A.K.A. Selley's No More Gaps - Column Inches Edition)

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet... No we're kidding, we aren't gonna fill gaps that badly. However, here's some other filler crap (we've done this before) we have in store for you today:

  • Christmas movie time is near. Enjoy that.
  • Christmas songs are nice. Fairytale Of New York is the best.
  • People like turkey. More on Turkey later this week.
  • Blazers are still bad
  • Censorship is also still bad
  • Kinnan's old articles are very funny
  • People will like not having lessons over the festive season
Add caption

Kill me now, this is a call for help














WOW GUYS. WE LEARNT VERY MUCH THIS WEEK. 


DISCLAIMER: This article is a Spoof, not just of the way the Hampstead Buzz fills column inches with worthless qualifications the school has paid tonnes to "earn," but also the way other, external media outlets [read: Buzzfeed] make those stupid "x things that *verb* a *subject*" articles that are seemingly popular to share on Twitter/Facebook/Myspace/Bebo/Club Penguin. It's lazy journalism, and if you buy into these sorts of articles, as opposed to fully thought out written ones, then it's a shame that you believe yourself to be so unintelligent that you can't read multiple paragraphs without them being numbered.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

School Songbook Part II

Back by unpopular demand, the Hampstead School Songbook is here for a second edition.

Smells Like Teen Spirits (Behind the Bikeshed)
Load up on nuggs, bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word.
Hello (x6)

Whh th lhhts uht, hts lhss dhnhus
Hhr w hr nhh, ehnerhner nu
I fhhl sthphd nh chnhghhs
Hhhr wh hhr nhh, ehnerhner nu
A nhrnhrnh
An nhrnhrnh
nhrnhrnh
Mh lhrbhrdhur

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this toke I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end
Hello (x6)

Whh th lhhts uht, hts lhss dhnhus
Hhr w hr nhh, ehnerhner nu
I fhhl sthphd nh chnhghhs
Hhhr wh hhr nhh, ehnerhner nu
A nhrnhrnh
An nhrnhrnh
A nhrnhrnh
Mh lhrbhrdhur


And I forget just why I waste
My time, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it's hard to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind
Hello (x6)

Whh th lhhts uht, hts lhss dhnhus
Hhr w hr nhh, ehnerhner nu
I fhhl sthphd nh chnhghhs
Hhhr wh hhr nhh, ehnerhner nu
A nhrnhrnh
An nhrnhrnh
A nhrnhrnh
Mh lhrbhrdhur


Creep (By RadioHead)
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was szpecial
You're so very szpecial

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want no perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're not very szpecial
I wish I was szpecial

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Another Brick in the Wall
We don't need no education
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another prick in the hall.
All in all you're just another prick in the hall

Basket Case (Because he is one)
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything in
Assembly
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
I need to leave the phone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's the results
That's bringing me down
I went to a moor
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing him down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?

Grasping to control
So I better hold on

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?