Friday, 4 April 2014

All change at East Quad United

A press conference was called at The House(TM) AstroTurf today as East Quad United announced the sacking of coach Ford Tranzitte, and his replacement by the world-renowned Winnie Bagoe.

PUNdits had criticised Tranzitte's bad results and poor miles to the gallon ratio, and had seen a continuation of his reign at EQU as a car crash.

The PUNdits have also praised the new coach's utilisation of space. It has been noted that whilst under pressure in an away game at Front Cage Arena, the home of EQU's arch-rivals West Quad City, Bagoe made a massive change by substituting his sofa for a fold out bed.

EQU fans and players alike have been reeling since the sale of star Theo Cracy to rivals WQC. Their form has subsided and they lie a lowly 2nd in the league (of 2). They hope the addition of such a big star as their coach can bring some stability and drive to a team including the likes of Dean Fender, Keith Peur and Beau Coupdebuts.

Winnie Bagoe himself was an acclaimed player, whom PUNdits attributed him to have an good engine, with lots in the tank, who drove his team across the line on many an occasion.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Bet DO3: Teachers vs Students match

Yet another bout of information given to us by our leak within the school: the odds used by the SLT to bet on the Teachers vs Students match that took place during lunchtimes on the past week for Sports Relief.

The odds, made by the man famed from the adverts proclaiming to bet #InPlayWithJaques, and from an email chain leading up to the events, are listed below:

• South African to score at anytime - 95/1
• Teacher to have leg broken during (or after) game - 2/1
• Players with similar skin colour to be confused by referee (√† la Andr√© Marriner) - 5/2
• Sports Relief money to actually go to Sports Relief - 7,000,000,000/1

Basketball (Mens')
• Black student to score - 1/1
• Student Team to look manly in bright pink - 45,000/1
• Tall teacher to overpower smaller student - 7/2
• Pubescent boys on the student team to have excellent ball-handling skills

Netball (Womens')
• 90% of crowd to be male - 2/1
• Sweat produced by players to be enough to feed neighbouring plants for a month - 5/4
• Referees to pay more close attention to this game 1/1
• Fouled basketball players to lose out subsequently 2/1

Unfortunately betting is now closed as the events have passed, however, there are odds going around, in lieu of Friday's mile run as to how many students are to either a) collapse b) go to Sam's or c) buggar off home an hour early.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Breaking News: Submitted April 1st

Today the Head and the SLT have announced that the Trash had been officially recognised as a student body.

In a statement, School spokeswoman Avril Le Premiere said: "After a year's battle between the management and that blog, we've finally decided to acknowledge there's some sensible suggestions we could look to take on board."

Controversial figure-afro Kinnan SLUDGE Zaloom has also submitted a statement, albeit a written one. Workers for The Trash were unable to decipher these Mad Writings, bar certain phrases of Fruity Language unable to be heard by a fifty-something north London comprehensive headteacher.   

Thursday, 27 March 2014

A Study on CaterLink

Caterlink, as per its website, are "specialist caterers within schools, colleges and universities." They have contracts providing food to schools across the United Kingdom. Caterlink's parent company, Westbury Street Holdings, reported profits for 2012 were £6.2 million, after having a turnover of £466.1 million. Caterlink have held the catering contract for Camden schools (both Primary and Secondary) since 2006, and signed the latest contract, joint with Islington Council, in 2011 for £7.5 million.

The theory in outsourcing services and tendering contracts, something common in the post-Thatcher Britain, is that it brings all the benefits of the private sector, without full privatisation; that is to say that Camden in theory maintains a portion of control over dietary spefications, which one expects is a requirement in the multi-million pound contracts. But if these contracts are done for these supposed benefits, as well as the ease of Camden not having to directly provide the services, why are there so often complaints, in Camden at least, about Caterlink's food?

Just googling "Caterlink camden" brought up this link from the CNJ, October 2011, alleges that Caterlink cut corner in producing their foods, for example filling a Meat Lasagne with "Tuna, chickpeas and carrot" (and presumably Horse-meat too). Indeed this reporter found a similar thing occurring last year, with Chicken Paninis suddenly containing vegetables, then within two weeks containing more vegetable than Chicken. It isn't something as major as this we're talking about. It's more the complaints about the portion sizes, or certain ingredients: for example the aforementioned Panini-gate or Caterlink being told to "Stop shrinking the Jelly!".

There was also news from the Mount Olympus that is the Sixth Form Common Room, as the Canteen was closed at break times due to it "not making enough money." Granted since then it has been closed due to equipment damage, however, the idea that something which is essence ran as a public service can be shut because of them not making enough money is absurd. There is the ever increasing sight of Sixthformers leaving reception at break, and returning with bags stuffed to the brim with Boost, KA, Crisps, Sweets and Chocolate. This is, of course, their prerogative, however this trend can only be aided by the absence of the healthier options Caterlink should be providing.

On the note of Sixth Form, such is the general apathy over the food offered, is that KS3 & KS4 students crave the day they are able to get their dose of Sam's, McD's, Subway or the seemingly returning Meral's (rip in peace sweet prince). No bigger damnation can come from the fact that SLT are regularly seen ordering Subway Platters for meals in meetings at lunch, rather than use Caterlink's services, showing that both Teachers and Students dislike the food.

The argument for or against the privatisation of public services is one for another time and platform, and we must hasten to add that the decision to use Caterlink is not the school's but Camden Council's. So, it must be said that, whilst the SLT cannot be blamed for this, that something cannot be done, it is up to Camden Council to come to the conclusion that Caterlink is unpopular, and that something should be done to change this. Albeit we do not have an in depth knowledge of this; we would presume that it would cost Camden and Islington combined, less than £8.6 million (price of the contract plus the expected savings) a year to provide a decent, healthy meal that the average student would prefer to eat for free, than waiting until after school to buy a 2 for £2.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

School Attempts to Stamp Out Entrepeneurilism

The School Management has this week hit back against entrepreneurial cookie sellers, a Trash Reporter has discovered.

Sources close to the action reported that a renowned student, avid member of the school and notorious cookie vendor, was removed from lesson and their contraband seized. Talking in the aftermath, it was reported that the teachers involved said the cookies were being taken as it was "taking money from the school", and "making kids eat your crap cookies rather than hot meals". We here at the Trash are disgusted that the Management have shown a complete lack of entrepreneurial spirit in students, an attribute taught in most Business Studies, and usual totalitarianism.

Firstly, we must address the alleged money grabbing. If the school are so strapped for cash, why don't they delve into the £485k they have, or rather don't have, rather than fleecing teens. Also, if a student is providing a service due to demand, as is evident here, and is undercutting the school, that is simply good, well thought out business. The last time the school attempted to vend cookies of any kind, they were neglected by the masses, and we are sure there were some minor cases of E-Coli. The school cannot behave in such a monopolous way to other sellers, especially when their food is far below par and costing vast amounts more. Equally, as my fellow writer Heywood Jablome will expand on tonight, the school doesn't actually make any money on food.

Then, we move onto the allegation that the produce (cookies, for less observant readers), is in some way "crap". The cookies in question usually originate from shops such as Sainsbury's or Tesco; leading market brands, who have only 226 calories and 5g saturated fat per cookie. We cannot tell as to how much the school biscuits equate to in this respect; they lack any form of informative packaging, but we can guess from the puddles of grease that seems to irradiate from almost everything they cook (yes, even the salad) that it is their cookies that are doing students a world of wrongs.

Also, there is a flaw in the argument that students are somehow being bullied into buying cookies. We have seen no such practice, and find thus that the allegation that the student was "making kids eat" the cookies to be false. You would think that, by secondary school, and the ages of 11 and above, there would be a level of respect and trust that the school has in the students to make their own dietary choices, and bear the subsequent consequences. In fact, by removing the competition in the field, the school is itself bullying students into eating from only one source, unless they manage to find a way out.

If you are caught vending cookies, or any other form of produce, as long as it is not an illegal substance (which, last time we checked, cookies weren't), and the school asks you to give up your stock and/or your money, you have the right to refuse, as they are only legally allowed to search you with your consent. Equally, if you allow them to search, the person searching must be of the opposite sex, with another teacher present to bear witness. If any readers are asked to be searched, do not be intimidated; you have the right to say 'no' as long as you do not have anything illegal on you.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.