Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Hello BTEC, My Old Friend

Last week, the Science Department announced a dramatic reshuffle of Year 11 top-set science classes, in perhaps the most important year for them academically. Those who got B's or lower overall in either core science or additional science would not be allowed to continue their studies into the third year of the science curriculum. They were told they would instead have to retake the subjects they didn’t get A's in, despite having studied nearly all of extension science’s chemistry unit in class this year.

The top-set teachers could offer little explanation other than that letters had been sent to the affected students’ homes (after the decision had been made, without consultation of parents or students). They added that they were themselves were against the change, but upper management was unwilling to hear their opinions (where have we heard that before? -Ed). Allegedly, one higher-level science teacher, in support of the reshuffle, told them “Tough.” when told the opinions of those who work closest with those most affected.

Once again, the school has made a poorly advised decision, purely in the pursuit of more affable results come August 2016. Of course, students can still do science at A-level with double science, but, then again, you can do the same with B's in triple science. Furthermore, you can even do science A-levels at Hampstead with a D (and a little lube). This affirms that this change is purely cosmetic. There is no consideration for those that would like to study science as it interests them and don’t want to spend another year reading the same ‘jokes’ from a battered CGP textbook, and instead science lessons will become tantamount to revising core content most have already done.

This is not the first time the school have pulled a stunt this crass. Weeks before the previous academic year's exam season start, Year 12 students underachieving in one or more subjects were told publicly in an assembly, in front of their peers they would be dropping a subject that day, before they had even had a chance to fail it, without prior consultation of parents. All this is a further shade of wrong on the part of the school management, and could even be considered an impeachment of their obligatory duty of care.

Monday, 5 October 2015

An Unexpected Journey to Dismay

In the third instalment of our trilogy of advertisement-bashing, The Battle of Five Smarmies, we attempt to strenuously liken the school's incessant advertising come Open Day time to a set of films that has gone on for too long, involves characters who somewhat lose the plot, and despite all the decent graphics, has a disappointing end; we wonder how we'll cope...

In the latest bout of local press marketing, emblazoned atop the Hampstead advert, was a massive image of the Head's face, pretending to care about a student, and so the following section will be entitled 'The Desolation of Szmaugkowski'. The title this year had strayed from the usual meaningless collection of buzzwords, the press-monkeys spending more than five seconds copying-and-pasting last year's stuff onto this year's, and instead read 'Our journey has been remarkable'; remarkably pisspoor, judging by the remarkably thin copy in the faux article accompanying the advert, and we're sure remarkable for some of the remarks we have made, which have been so remarkable that the nationals found them remarkable, and not in a good way. The remarkably thin blurb, of course, had nothing to do with the school's poor results and lack of any meaningful award in, well, ever. Instead they had to fall back on their Achievement for All (which they paid for), their UNICEF Rights Respecting School Awards (both of which they paid for), their Investor in Careers Award (which they paid for) and their Investor in People Award (are you getting the gist? -Ed), all of which could be put to better use educating children, you know, like what a school does. What we're trying to get at is that any Ingrish teacher will tell you 'remarkable' doesn't necessitate good, and Hampstead, as we've shown, may be 'remarkable' for all the wrong reasons.

Also what's remarkable is their persistence to use awards, even after we've mocked them for it, or have been downgraded in, and still call it a success. The second half of the full-page spread (which, as we've said before, costs a few thousand pounds) had the usual emphatic quotes from a cast of unknown adjudicators and anonymous parents, who, judging by their reviews, had never actually been to Hampstead, as well as on the page a large, red, super-imposed sticker heralding the school as being "amongst the TOP 5%" of Sixth Forms. This sticker, however, neglected to mention, as we have in the past, that the school used to be in the top 2% of Sixth Forms, which, you guessed it, the school paid for, and it's not even for achievement, but improvement (which means in the last year the school has got worse at being less crap).

If you want see the advert in full, we would have to question why you are reading this blog.

Exceptional: the exception being its the only school in which the
boilers never work.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Update from the Replacement Block Service

With the term started and the work on the New Building well underway, the school has well and truly been turned from a place of learning, despite the claims of Camden council and the school's Management, and instead into a building site dependent almost entirely on the contractors over students and teachers. For those who don't know, the first week back saw no power in the 'New' Block, no phone lines, Sims or email, and a few weeks back a power down of the whole school, meaning any timetabled Period 6 lessons were disbanded.

As such, the school site is a much looser affair (hehe) than before, and than the Head would like; after all, if he can't control it, it must be wrong. Workmen come and go as freely as they please, and have even installed their own showers, encroaching even further on that tiny streak of land which is what is left of the outdoor free space. Said workmen are providing the school with a plethora of good role models, as we have had reports of workers smoking on the school site (which is, of course, not allowed for students), even reports of certain workers smoking something slightly danker than just tobacco by the smell (which must be very safe), and one truck in frequent use in and around the school having a stenciled image of a less-than-clothed lady on one window, which must be very distracting for kids trying to learn. How must parents think of the people in close proximity to their children, and how well are the workers vetted?

DISCLAIMER: Everything reported in this is based on separate eye-witness accounts. We honestly couldn't care what people do in school, as there will always be students who have done worse, but some parents do care, which is fair enough.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Cards Against Humanity - Hampstead Expansion Pack

As a complete rip-off homage to the card game Cards Against Humanity, we have kindly created an 'expansion pack', specific to the school and its many idiosyncrasies that only students could know of, for you to fill your half-lunch-hour playing. Anyone who doesn't know the rules is immediately a scrub. Enjoy!

You can also view and print the cards as a PDF, available by following the link here.

Friday, 25 September 2015


by Our Norf Weezie correspondent, Tori Graph

Shock has swept across the nation, or at least those people who live in cottages in Norfolk, think Hezbollah is something served with houmous, and believe that there is an actual physical wave of migrants rolling across the channel coming to find them, kill them, and then run up their taxes because they are on the dole. Signs (or rather a 'sign', see photo below) have been found of a terrorist training camp located as close to home as a North London school, named East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive.

According to our expert in Muslamic studies, Alan Huakbar (no relation to Admiral Akbar), the Muslamic text roughly translates as 'Muslamic Training Camp, Ray Guns this way', and the arrow just means an arrow pointing, our expert surmises, in the way of the Muslamic Ray Guns.

East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive is regarded as a hotspot for Muslamic grooming, because we said so just now so it must be true. According to a poll we took in the area, 150% of the sample were Muslamic, with 1 of the 1 people that we asked being called Abdi. This makes the comprehensive a hotbed for interracial tensions (ooh-err missus), and a melting pot for radical ideas, such as anarchy, fruity language, and the eventual death of the West.

Headteacher and known Iraqi sympathiser, Mr Szadamhusseinkowski (because we've likened him to every other dictator, so why not?), gave the following statement on the issue: "Hampstead is a multicultural and diverse school, with over 10,000 known languages spoken within the institution, such as Latin, Ancient Assyrian, Aardvark and a Cricklewood dialect which some say vaguely resembles English. As such, we are proud to be holding a diversity poetry competition, with entries only permissible in God's English. Of course, if Jihadists were found in Hampstead, we couldn't do anything as a public sector establishment crippled by a fear of not being 100% politically correct and thus offending some Islamics. However, if they were anarchists..."
Mad Jihadist writings: according to a racist terrorism
expert, the sign resembles the flag of Islamic State, as it has
squiggly lines on it and is written down.