Friday, 24 June 2016

Shock as Students Vote to Leave School

Hampstead was shocked today by the outcome of yesterday’s in-out-shake-it-all-about referendum on whether the school should remain part of the I-EU.

With all the results in and counted, 52% voted to leave the Norf Weezie Union (or NWU) whilst 48% voted to stay in, with a high turn-out electorate of four, meaning 2.08 people decided to leave. When asked how it was possible that 0.08 of a person was capable of voting, the Department for Mathematics, Statistics and Confusing Children responded that “rather than count the votes through a conventional method, seeing as there were so many the school decided to take a stratified sample and applied a binomial distribution…”

The result proved to be a historic win for the ‘Cut From Deez Endz’ campaign, who fought the ‘Innit’ campaign in the past few months over Hampstead’s place in the NWU. One of the key campaigners for Hexit, Abdi Garage, made a statement when the result was announced, saying: “Haha! I cannot tell you the type of leaving party I’m going to be having tonight! But, on a serious note, I can’t believe I actually won something!”

Following the surprise result, Preston Montgomery-Saddleton announced that he would be stepping down as leader of the council come the end of the academic year, in consequence of the result of the vote. In a heartfelt(ish) statement, the leader said he would oversee the return to stability and election of his successor, adding that “he was saddened” that “nobody has signed my yearbook yet”. One of the main contenders for the top job is Boris ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who in a statement earlier today renewed his claims not to want to be leader, stating clearly: “Hmwhaughh!”

Also on the rocks was opposition leader Abdi Corbyn, who came under fire today with a motion of no confidence from his own side over his leadership. The motion argued that he “had not shown an ability to provide healthy opposition and enact considerable change, but instead apathy and despondence” in his time, reflecting the wider state of the School Council. However, after putting down his McPigeon Burger and sighing, retorted that “you know, I try my best, chaps, and if that’s not good enough, then I don’t know what is. Now leave me alone, you damned right-wing conspiracy media. Please?”

Along with the momentous events of the day came fresh calls for a second referendum into the possible independence of the Back Cage. Didier Poisson, independence leader for the referendum two years ago, urged the Back Cage to set about a second vote. The Back Cage being an inanimate object that no longer really exists, no such response has yet happened.

The instant repercussions of the vote to leave the NWU were felt across the Hampstead markets. The Hampstead Cookie Exchange closed up down thirty nuggs, whilst the Hampstead day-old doughnut, unofficial currency of the region, was valued at only 63p to the pound. However, the Ecology market, as always, ended on a high.

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

LEAKED Minutes from the Referendum Debate

Item 1: UK to join Schengen area with the aid of a recycled donut-carton bridge.
Minutes: Abdi Ibn-Abdi (Remain) welcomes this as a fantastic way of welcoming people to the UK. Abdina Ibn-Abdi (Leave) says at such heights UK Border Forces will be unable to accurately apply stereotypes to travellers.
Time spent on item: 19hr 45m.
Action: Half of bridge to be constructed.

Item 2: Make Great Britain great again.
Minutes: Stanley J Chester (Leave) declares "We should take back the colonies!"
Time spent on item: 13 minutes.
Action: Nothing.

Item 3: Would Britain join a United States of Europe?
Minutes: Abdi Of Chester (Leave) says to end integration; "we want differentiation". Gabriel Garcia Markers responds as a "young black male anthromorphised robot", describing how he thinks we should all check out his new book.
Time spent on item: 100 years.
Action: Abdi proves that the gradient of a curve is dy/dx.

Item 4: Money from campaigns to be donated to the homeless.
Minutes: Jess "Jenarous" Jessington (Undecided, Labourious) says "frankly" before the BBC (Big Black Camera) cuts coverage.
Time spent on item: 3.2 ms.
Action: Jess Jessington is dismissed from the Labourious party.

The booklet sent to all Hampstead students.

Referendum Comment Special

In line with our continuing 'Comment is Slavery' Op-Ed series, today we bring you a referendum special. So, rather than just one Op-Ed piece, as Hampstead goes to the polls on Thursday we asked all the key players from the campaigns to give us their final thoughts on the referendum...

Abdi Garage (Cut From Deez Endz):
“No, no. I think this has all gone far enough. The Hampstead public is sick and tired of being lied to. Let me state some facts about the NWU: it is a simple truth that poultry bought through the union gives innocent Hampstead citizens ebola, the millions of Romanian students coming from the rest of Norf Weezie are coming to kill your hamsters and take your hard-earned school places, and you have absolutely no say over how your own school is run.” [Well, that last one may be true, but perhaps not because of any union. -Ed]

Abdi Corbyn (Innit):
“Hello chaps. You know, I’ve been trying very hard to convince voters on two things recently: to remain in the union and that I am electable. Let's see if I can get one right, eh! I've done lots of leadership-material things to try and convince voters, completely unlike the serious political life I used to lead as a proponent of the calming effect of beards, the inevitable wiping out of the human race as an asteroid slams into the earth and the many uses of compost. I have gone back on previous Euro-scepticism I had, showing my skill for having a clear electable ideology, I have teamed up with Preston in a coupling worse than Caligula and Caligula's favourite sister, showing my knack for collaboration (like with the Nazis!) and I have unified my party under one common ideal (oh wait, scrap that last one). Cheerio!”

Preston Montgomery Saddleton (Innit):
“I’ve spoken to lots of really decent chaps on the road (Westbere Road) campaigning to remain ‘innit’, and have been heckled at by over 10,000 staff from various departments. There have been lots of great chaps who have told me how much their career means to them, and how much it would damage them if the school Management had to end it for them coming out in favour of something against the Management’s wishes. I’ve spoken to a great deal of the Hampstead public, and it has opened up my eyes to their diversity, their resilience, and their united and deep disdain for me. Some people from my own side in the School Council have said I won’t last as leader and I’ll be gone by Christmas; well I say to them: ‘Haha! I don’t care - I will have been leader of the council for seven-ish years, and so my school career would be over anyway.’ In any event, I would be leaving it in more than capable hands.”

Maximilian Oscar-Oolong (Cut From Deez Endz):
“Bwaah! You know it's around about this time of year that a whole group of the (un)voting Hampstead public bugger off, so I don’t see how the NWU Leavers are any different from the School Leavers. Both are sick and tired of unelected officials dictating what they can and cannot do. Did you know the NWU - or should I say I-EU - brought in legislation a few years back making it a punishable offence to not be in the possession of a blazer at all times? Disgusting, isn’t it? Hmuah!”

Marcus Kengtun (Innit):
“Bwaah! The long and short of it is, if we leave, as students, we will be economically screwed. If we remain as students, we will be economically screwed, but we can worry about it later!”

Boris 'The Rock’ Johnson (Cut From Deez Endz):
“Hey! Ooh! Hwah! Yhaa! Jolly good, isn’t it, this bit of political bish-bash-bosh; getting together with the old alumni honestum to do some International Relations wiff-waff. Err. Hwhwh. Argh! Yes! See, now, yes, now, it's not just about a game of rat-tailing in the showers with some old school mates, it’s about giving the student body some bloody jolly power. When I eventually take a leadership role on the School Council - which I flatly deny is, err, what I am doing - I want to be able to rule all of Hampstead, not just some of it. Not just some bits handed down to us by some unelected official who does not bear any semblance whatsoever of someone we would actually want in charge (completely unlike me). As Socrates said: ‘Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit…’”

Nathaniel Maskelyne van Reit Woolley III (Cut From Deez Endz):
“Take back control. We need to take back control. Take back control, is what we need to do. Control is what we need to take back. Back control is what we need to take. We need to take back control." [Not entirely sure if we ever had control of our school in the first place, but thanks for the buzzwords. -Ed]

Sylvia Ryver Raine (Innit):
“So, yeah, you know, like, yeah, like, so, peace, yeah?”


DISCLAIMER: All of the opinions in the article are fictitious in the sense that we have made them up as much as we have made up the characters. Take from that what you will.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Hexit - or ‘What the Officer Said to the Witch’

A seemingly punless and nonsensical portmanteau, ‘Hexit’ - or Hampstead’s exit from the Norf Weezie Union - is, like Herpes, the word on everyone’s lips at the moment. With the vote set on the 23rd of June to decide whether students can ‘Leave’ or ‘Remain’ come the summer, the contest has already been hard fought.

Economics commentator and self-proclaimed condiment Robert Pesto was quick to compare the situation to deciding where to go for lunch. “On the one hand, you could choose to stay in school,” he said, “and you would know exactly what you would be getting for lunch; the same-old, ever-familiar CaterLink sludge. But with rising payments and smaller jellies, many aren’t content with staying with what they know. Some students may want to jump the fence, and look elsewhere, but once they are out of the gate, there is uncertainty where the Westbere path will take them: Sam’s? McD’s? Chicken Cottage? The question on everyone’s mind is: is the ‘chicken’ better on the other side?”

According to recent figures released by the Department for Mathematics, Statistics and Imagination, 74% of cookies and 82% of doughnuts are imported from outside the union, whilst we export only 43% of our ‘Sacred Herb’ production to the union, seeing profits ‘go up in smoke’. The Institute of Business Studies (and Travel and Tourism) has also said that leaving the union, also known as the I-EU, would see a drop in the number of external students entering the school and with that another damaging blow for the G*-U Index, which left Hampstead down twelve points a few years back.

The two official campaigns on either side of the referendum have already traded Redpitch-bitter blows, with political heavyweights like Abdi Garage and Boris ‘The Rock’ Johnson going up against Preston Montgomery Saddleton and Marcus Kengtun in recent weeks. The ‘Cut From Deez Endz’ Campaign has stated their main argument is simply “we just want to be chillin’ on our ones”, whilst the ‘Innit’ campaign has defended the NWU, saying “dees are our endz, we should stay in them”. 

With such ironclad and convincing arguments as the ones put, deciding which way to vote on the 23rd is shaping up to be a very difficult one indeed.

Break time: Abdi Farage's last-ditch Hexit poster.


DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, although you could be forgiven for believing it was actual reporting on the politics of the nation. Unfortunately, we don't have a pond anymore for Abdi Garage to ride his toy flotilla in.

Friday, 17 June 2016

Ignorance is Strength

The Hampstead Thought Police have this week announced they have wiped the school’s history from the records. After being dismayed with how the ‘old history’ painted the glorious reign of Blessed Be He, Big Szemalikowski, the Management would rewrite the school’s past in the history books to be closer to the ‘media-friendly side of Hampstead’.



In a statement, the school Management said: “_________________________________________ _________________________”. The ‘new history’, which has yet to be written, is likely to contradict many of the foul and baseless allegations made in recent years by the Trash.

Rumours circulating suggest that the text will be written by former ‘writers’ of previous propaganda rag ETC. however some are saying the writing will be left to Ingrish teachers, specifically those who have written for the Buzz, as they are well-versed in fiction.