Friday, 29 April 2016

Man and the Universe (Message from the Colonies)

Note: This article was originally intended for publication in Neu Scientist. After it's rejection, we at the Trash picked it up acknowledging that there is an inherent risk that any authority is corrupt.

Transcript reads:


I could not help but being deeply offended by Newton's absurdly sensationalist Universal Law of Gravitation. It is common knowledge that if you have a pen, or a pencil and you suspend him the air, when you release him, he will fall to the earth. This is because all objects that are made from the earth possess a natural desire to return to the ground. Now let us say you boil a pot of tea. There will be some small smokes, and they will wish to rise, rejoining the clouds.

As we learnt (with the assistance of our loyal mascot Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye) in primary one, if you take an tissue and put it in the path of some tea smokes, the tissue will swallow the smokes. Using our newfounded understanding, this will produce a hybrid material that will be pulled both towards the heavens and to the mud below. This chimaera tissues, when suspend in the air, will neither rise nor sink. It will simply hover. Notice how this is an easily re-creatable experiment, not relying on newfangled "mat-ematics".

I hope this was most diseducational and until the next coup, we shall meeting repeat.

Thursday, 28 April 2016

Tinker Tailor Szmelly Spy

You may have pondered the lack of late detentions yesterday, maybe with the optimistic thought that Jolly Jacques may have finally understood the pointlessness of registration. In this thought you would be sorely mistaken.

Think back further. It may be difficult, even upsetting at first, but two days ago, 60 students filled two classrooms as half of their already ever-diminishing lunch break was eaten away. Naturally, such a high proportion of late students, reported to have been caused by public transport problems, would have unpleasant effects of this week's attendance records; these effects being particularly unsavoury to the spoilt tongues of the bureaucratically-minded SLT, whose desires lie more in the realms of tucked in shirts, 'wavey wednesdays' at the Ecology Club and concealed hatred in the delivery of 'good' education.

Such is their zealous investment in appearances, they have take it upon themselves to tinker with the attendance tables, 'creativity' being the name of the game.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

400 Years of 'Fruity Language'

To celebrate the 400th anniversary of the death of William Shakespeare (because that's not morbid), the school have released a special anniversary booklet detailing the Shakespeare-themed work of the students, as well as some events to come in celebration of the great Bard’s life and work…

What’s On:
The tale of a boy cast out into exile by a nefarious leader for doing and saying ‘mad’ things and accusing said leader of being corrupted.

King Lear
In which a deranged and rash leader descends into madness as those beneath him attempt to remove him from power.

Richard II
Historical drama. A self-obsessed leader sends one of his disciples into exile whilst he upsets his subjects by fighting a war he cannot win. (that's enough. -Ed)

Poems from the Poetry Society
Sonnet 69
Shall I Compare thee to a summer's day?

Sonnet 420
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun
If snow be white, why then her breasts be dun.
She is clapped.

And now an excerpt from the forthcoming summer production of:
The Great Brad’s
A Midmorning Afternoon’s Dream

Act II Scene II
TITANIA sleeps
Enter BONERO and blows a sacred herb over TITANIA

What thou seest when man wakes,
Link thy gash for pity’s sake:
Be him hood, or rat, or bear,
Or roadman with bristled hair,
When thou wakest, it is thy man:
Wake when smell vile thou can.

Act III, Scene I

“We are such stuff as memes are made of”
Alack, I do believe I hath read the wrong play
But with five hours hence to learn all to say
For thy ever forthcoming production
Methinks I am in need of canny concoction

A stranger man than e’er played here
‘Tis an idiot ‘pon this patch I do fear
On a learning stroll, with his shirt well tucked
In the mind, spirit and soul, may he be-

[Interrupting] Who goes here? Who mocks my breeches?
Dost thou know he mocks one who teaches?

I must away.

Marry, sprite, I will find thee quick
And will not stop till your wings I hath clipped

Enter Fl-Uté and QUINCY, practicing the play.

Just like practiced not five minutes past
Behind the bikeshed, whence we did our last
I will grab thee on the count of three
And bend thy over this hostess trolley.

Re-enter *UCK, and MAN OF ANAL ORIGIN with an ass's head.

O monstrous! O butters! We are haunted. Pray,
No pagan spell to come hither our way!

Exeunt QUINCY and Fl-Uté

[aside] ‘Tis a spell of truth, I do cast over this creature
That when dissipated, sun shines on his true nature
Many hath known’t for long, that when all is done and said
We must all withbear an ass for a Head!

[Awaking, to MAN OF ANAL ORIGIN] Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.

Thursday, 21 April 2016

Buzz Bashing - Spring 2016

We all know how boring the Hampstead Buzz can be, but this term's edition was particularly dull. If you start, for whatever god-awful reason, looking at editions back-to-back, you begin to notice a trend of articles that are almost undoubtedly in there; something ironic about Digital Leaders (what with Hampstead still being in the dark ages), something moronic about Enrichment Day, and something sports-based. Woop.

Regardless, we will press on. The Head's Message was, as per usual, deceptive. He boasted about the "very well attended Easter holiday school" among other extra teaching which teachers give up their time for to the unabating thanks of stressed students (but the Head surprisingly never seems to make an appearance at), neglecting to mention that the school Management couldn't pull their fingers out of their arses far enough to finalise the Easter timetable until after school on the final Thursday of the term (the day everyone broke up), leaving a great many students in the dark about their holiday plans. The school rectified this by emailing and texting all parents the timetable when it was finished, no doubt costing the school a pretty penny for the service (see Trash passim).

For some reason, the UNICEF logo was placed randomly beside the text, which went on to talk about the "redundant 5A*-C measure at GCSE" now the government is switching to a numbers-based system (just to confuse people further). Putting on a brave face now that all his banners will have to be changed from the snappy '99% G*-U' figures to some unending bile about attainment points, the Head remarked that the Department for Education calculated last year "students achieved considerably above expected", which is not always a compliment. 'Considerably above expected' simply means that 'these plebian comprehensive kids didn't do as poorly as we thought they would'.

According to the Buzz, but somewhat unbeknownst to anyone else, the Enrichment Day "gave insight into the criminal justice system", which is ironic since the Head has somewhat of a hair-trigger for calling the police when it comes to certain (anarchist) bloggers he hasn't been entirely just towards. As part of the criminal justice theme, Year 8 visited the science museum (eh?), Year 10 and 11 visited St Paul's Cathedral (huh?) and Year 12 visited the University of East Anglia (at least there are law students there). Year 13 continued this theme of criminal justice by having a choice of sessions (most of which, we are told, students chose not to go to at all) including Yoga, Insanity, Bath Bombs and the other four Circles of Hell. Mindfulness was also a reported option, but we're not entirely sure how a conscious person could not be mindful.

Drop everything and read was back again, this time with a space-themed quiz around the school which was, as you'd expect, largely ignored by the student populous. On the back page was a short article about a group of students going to see a production of The Crucible by Arthur Miller. One student commented that "watching the production has really brought the play to life", really grasping the concept of a theatre production. According to the article, the play depicted "the hypocrisy  and suspicion experienced in the McCarthy era" in which the characters are "stirred into madness by [...] paranoia". Now, who does that remind us of...

Tuesday, 19 April 2016


In the light of the implementation of the terrorist ‘Shutdown’ protocol, head of school security G. Faure-Esse has been criticised recently for taunting possible threats.

In a public statement, the head of security – who currently presides over the illegally imported chicken and doughnuts taskforce – said of cell-enabled bombers “ring ring pussy, its shutdown” and of seasonal terrorists targeting summer events “fashion week and its shutdown”.

Asked to comment on the statement, he Head responded by saying “that’s not me”. Director of the school’s PR and propaganda Josef Sztalinkowski was quick to retract the remarks made by G. Faure-Esse, adding “please don’t hurt us”.

However, this is not the first time the school’s head of security has been in the media; three months ago he was lambasted for accidentally painting red all the doors of classrooms with thick kids in, and before that was told off for beating a Year 7 “in full view of prospective parents, which is simply criminal”.

The new ‘Shutdown’ measures are said to include a number of top-secret anti-terror procedures in the event of an attack, however the Trash can reveal that some of these measures include a large hole covered in branches and leaves, a banner that says “No terrorists allowed”, a new uniform policy that disallows AK-47’s on site, a crank-that-hits-a-boot-which-knocks-over-the-bucket-that-rolls-the-ball-down-the-wibbly-wobbly-stairs-along-the-tube-and-hits-the-stick-that-pushes-the-bigger-ball-into-the-bathtub-that-hits-the-plank-that-flips-the-man-into-the-pool-which-knocks-the-cage-down-the-stick-and-onto-the-terrorists, and some sirens to shove in their ears.

DISCLAIMER: This is not true. You cannot play mouse trap with a terrorist.