Friday, 21 August 2015

"Abdi Corbyn Could Render School Council Obsolete," warns Head

In the new School Council Opposition leader elections, now favourite Abdi Corbyn has come under fire from all directions, been slagged off by ex- School Council leader Jaques Warmongererkowski and his ex-deputy, Gordon Brookman, among others. 

"Anyone who backs Abdi Corbyn because of they are voting with their heart needs a heart transplant," said Warmongererkowski, before adding, "the NHS [Norfweezy Health Service] was privatised under me, so we don't do them anymore, but Science can give you a Lamb heart that the technicians have got from one of the Halal shops in Cricklewood." 

"Abdi Corbyn could take us back to the 80s," added Warmongererkowski, "when Abdina Thatcher [a leader under which all the under-16's were forced to strike] reigned. She was one of my favourites, a true 'bay', as the kids say now." 

Some of Abdi Corbyn's policies that have been attacked by critics for being too '80's are:
Finally, when questioned on who Warmongerkowski would vote for over Abdi Corbyn, he stated that "whilst none of them are anywhere as good as me, I'd rather Abdina Kendall because she'd be inheriting my legacy, which under Abdi Corbyn would end up looking like the Olympic Legacy does now." 

Among other policies, Abdi Corbyn this week pledged to set a definite deadline for the report into the ousting of Middle-Eastern leader Sadam Zaloom and phoning of his prospective university, dubbed 'ETC. III' by the press and written by Sir Abdi Chilcot, something which would undoubtedly anger Warmongerkowski.

DISCLAIMER: Any likeness between the Head and a Mr T. Blair is purely coincidental. We all know he actually looks like Gordon Brown.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

GCSE Results - Resetting the Trend

GCSE Results at Hampstead have seen an overall increase today after the significant drop in last year's results. Recovering from governmental reform to the education system, today saw conventional GCSE Results marginally increase, whilst E-Bacc results, one of the government's new initiatives, saw a decline of 2.25%, jumping from 26.63% last year to 24.38% this year.

The number of A*-A's increased on last year from 15.29% (2014) to 17.17%, whilst the number of 5A*-C's (including Ingrish and Maths) went up from 53.27% (2014) to 54.73%. However, these marginal increases of just 1.88% and 1.46% respectively are not enough to return the school to the heady heights of their so-called 5-Year-Trend, which peaked in 2013 with 63% 5A*-C (inc. Ingrish and Maths), suggesting that there is still a great deal of work to be done. That said, if this increase continues, we could be looking at a reset of the trendsetter, Jacques Szlavestothegrindkowski, and his trend-o-meter, and the return of another 5-Year-Trend.

DISCLAIMER: We thought last year's 5A*-C results were 51%, as we reported this time last year, however this year the newspapers are saying, as we have reported, that it is the more accurate figure of 53.27%. If any of the figures are inaccurate, you can blame the Ham&High and the school, but probably more the school as they are incapable of counting.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Hampstead Sixth Form Loses Footing on Alps

Hampstead 6th Form has been downgraded by the independent evaluator ALPs, despite paying through the nose for the accreditation, according to new figures released by Camden.

As claimed by the 2015-2016 Camden Council Hampstead School-specific 'School fact file' for prospective parents, the school is ranked in the top 5% of UK Sixth Forms according to ALPs, whereas if we cast our minds back to 2014, the Head was quick to boast of the school's ranking in the top 2% of Sixth Forms by ALPs, in assemblies, events, and even advertising features for the school.

The Trash has reported in the past not only that such advertising features have cost the school £1,862 per full-page feature, but that the ALPs system that has now had to downgrade the Sixth Form (we assume due to the decline in grades, although we are uncertain as to how it made the top 2% in the first place) costs the school in the region of £1173.12 per year.

The school has since glazed over all this, as well as the pisspoor A-Level Results in an 'article' on their website this week lauding two of the seeming very few students who did well this year, as well as the 'top 5%' of 6th Forms they are in, perhaps having a bit of selective amnesia. They must be so happy we are here to remind them.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

North London Comprehensive rewrites Dictionary

We gave a select group of individuals in attendance of a North London comprehensive (which, due to copyright issues, we cannot name the -marketing brand- school) a selection of words and asked them to offer up either what they thought the word meant, or their own new definition.

Pottage - "A cottage you grow pot in, ya get me"

Smokehouse - see 'Bikeshed'

Adultery - "Wha happens after puberty, mate."

Hashtag - "labelling for drug dealas"

Midwife - "The gyal ya divorce so ya can marry the third wan."

Inquest - "bar crawl"

Approximate - "a sideman"

Brick - "Present tense of 'bruck', innit."

Selfish - "a bit like a selfie"

Monday, 17 August 2015

That Alumni Invitation List in Full:

The Hampstead Trash has received the leaked details of invitees confirmed to be attending the upcoming alumni event, for all those famous ex-students of Hampstead. The event is in celebration of Hampstead's rich past, as demostrated by the figures appearing on the list: