Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Wavey Wednesday Cartoon #3

Ladies, gentlemen, non-gender conforming individuals - it should provide no shock to hear that with the lockdown of the top floor, it has become easier to exploit the labs located there with no interference from any stray students. And so, it saddens me to tell you that Mr. Szemzyethki has become a meth addict. He was last seen mixing chemicals of indeterminate origin in his mouth, before letting them dry into crystals. These crystals are of a psychotropic nature. Breaking off the neck of a nearby flask and fashioning it into a pipe, with his hot, hot body making it mouldable, he then regurgitated these crystals into the pipe. I'm sorry, we will report more on this issue as soon as we hear it - love and regards, Jack "xxx" Gough.

Monday, 5 December 2016

Hampstead's Hidden Meth Labs

Hampstead School has become the first school in upper-lower-central-western-East Cricklewood to open and successfully operate a full configuration of on-site meth labs.

Due to budget cuts, Hampstead's meth lab is staffed entirely by Year 7s, 8s and 9s. Headteacher Jakwezz Szmethyspeedski, violently gnashing his teeth slightly more than usual, called the scheme "pioneering", praising the "ingenuity" and "[school sanctioned] street spirit" of Hampstead's "drugs squad".

While not being the first school to do so, Hampstead's adroit usage of the powerful research and education tool BuzzFeed has kept operational costs down and product pure. In an official press release, Hampstead provided mirrored links to various videos, among them "22 Ways To Synthesise Meth From Rotting Banana Peel", "One WEIRD TRICK For Using Any Starbucks Winter Spice Latte Cup As A Pressurised Reaction Vessel" and "How To Take The M-Train".

Critics quickly pointed out that the scheme was "obviously a straight rip-off of Shaking Heads", who collaborated with BuzzFeed to produce the acclaimed video series on the delicate art of being a meth cook. Despite our best attempts to harass and generally irritate lab technicians, they declined to comment on the matter, instead generally preferring to don an additional four pairs of cheap sunglasses when confronted.

Of course, no pandering attempt to appear relevant and "down with the kids" is complete without a correspondingly out-of-date and poorly designed poster. We're not quite sure what would constitute the "most scientific" cake, as the act of baking any cake involves even the most rudimentary form of science, but whatever meaning there might be has been concealed especially well, which is an understandable necessity for any covert meth technician requirement poster.

Really Bad !!
DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Wavey Wednesday Cartoon #2

An illustration by Jack Gough of the type of delicatessen Hampstead School inmates students
have come to expect.

"After being confused to be a Hampstead School student, I waded into the great big lego block people seemed to be flowing into. During my journey, I found it very hard to get to anywhere I wanted to due to an indescribable force that fixed me in place. I became quite hungry and decided to eat a meal from a passing student. It was simply disgusting. I drew what I saw." Jack_Gough6969

Lockers For The Proles

As promised by almost every useless iteration of the School Council, Hampstead School's hallways now feature lockers. Unfortunately however, little has emerged on the topic of people actually using them. 

Speculation on how they may be introduced has occurred; there has been talk of a £10 depository fee, because apparently without personal investment Hampstead's students will invariably mangle school property beyond recognition, even if it is expressly for their use. It is difficult however, without extensive brain-wracking, to recall any significant facilities which have been introduced by Jaqqqqqe and Co. on a school-wide basis, other than the hideous bins and the accompanying drivel on recycling from which this blog's name is derived. 

Sixth Form students are to be given "priority" with respect to the lockers, locker access for the proles younger students being, by implication, of secondary importance. It remains unclear why Sixth Formers are apparently deserving of greater consideration, except perhaps because of the significant loss of facilities and "privileges" for Sixth Formers, which has occurred as a direct result of the building works. 

However, an approach to the provision of facilities based on gimmicks and appeasement is questionable; not only are shiny metal boxes with locks on them unlikely to be of much use to students in Years 12 and 13, who are free to leave when they do not have lessons, thereby making on-site storage a potential option rather than the only option for storage, but with an estimated 480 lockers, a shortage so severe that the concerns of lower school years should be entirely secondary is unlikely.

Even if issues with the deployment of lockers do arise, it may be argued that students from Years 7 to 11, who have compulsory PE lessons and are therefore frequently required to lug their PE kits around all day, have a greater need for secure, readily available storage spaces.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Wavey Wednesday Cartoon #1

"I found this underneath some legacy furniture the head was throwing out, it seems to be Chancellor of the Ex-Czech, David Hammondilm." - Jack Gough.

DISCLAIMER: The views presented in this cartoon are those of the distinguished, but yet strangely afflicted cartoonist Jack Gough.