Friday, 20 May 2016

Op-Ed #12

Abdi Corbyn writes (again):

Hello chaps! What is wagwarning?

You know, my fellow comrades, I've had a lot of flak recently, and I want to talk to you, the public, about how I, Abdi Corbyn, am not to blame for everything. Some people have written some pretty nasty Blairite stuff about how I still have no control over my party and its message, despite not doing too poorly in the regional Back Cage North and . Well, I can say categorically, after an internal exploratory discussion, that I am quite possibly the leader!

Some fellow chaps (who, I might add, are not in the party anymore, thanks to my lighting-fast action as leader) got into a little bit of hot water in the press recently for saying some things, and being generally anti-semitic. I won't tolerate this... much. A lot of my friends are anti-semites, and so it horrendous to discriminate against any group of people. As Chairman Mao once said [In the interest of brevity, this paragraph has been cut short by sixty-three pages. -Ed]

Anyway, we can safely agree that it won't be tolerated, not in my party. In my party we tolerate everyone, except the coked-up horse-fiddlers on the other side of the School Council Commons, Capitalists and anyone who cannot tolerate everyone (which, seemingly, includes ourselves. Oops.) As such, I have launched an inquiry, to question whether or not this anti-semitism is a result of a right-wing Blairite conspiracy (P.S, it definitely is).

That said, chaps, I must apologise for the recent remarks made by a fellow chap and good friend of mine, Ken Deadrock, who has sadly left the party of his own free will. In a world of startling contradictions - David Cameron calling Nigeria 'fantastically corrupt', a straight woman winning Eurovision, to name but a few - it is no wonder that dear Ken was dazed and confused into thinking Hitler was a Zionist. Some of my best friends are Hitlers, so it's an outrageous comment to be making. As my good friends at Hezbollah used to say: "I've got 99 problems but my 99 wives ain't one".

DISCLAIMER: As always, this article is a spoof, and so the character and the views expressed are entirely fictitious. Although, there are some very real idiots out there who believe this stuff.

Thursday, 19 May 2016


Paying extortionate amounts of money to UNICEF (see Trash passim) seems to have gotten the school the celebrity treatment. We have reported on the visit of heartthrob Tom Hiddleston, but this week brought a fresh reminder that, however nice, the showbiz meet-and-greet is just a mutual ruse to create meaningless publicity.

The Head in his infinite (if not ultimately flawed) sense of media savvy found time in his busy schedule of learning walks and pretending to be a headteacher of a school to stop by for a great group shot with Coriolanus and one of the less evil cabinet members, but thankfully such a vomit-inducing picture of superficial media excellence (or should I say 'good’ness?) was contained to the school and UNICEF websites. That said, past experience tells us that the Head will find every physical way possible to post that glory shot wherever possible.

Despite purporting to be a 'talk’ with Hampstead students, there seemed to be surprisingly little talking on the part of the students in the video released and instead a lot of talking at students. In fact, the substantive part of the accompanying video of the event consisted of a heartfelt if slightly na├»ve piece to camera by the only one in the room who could remember lines (save the children, or the minister for that matter, or the Head…)

In a patronising tone, the Secretary of State said that after this meeting she wanted to go to the World Humanitarian Summit in Istanbul with some (pre-established) ideas and be “able to say ‘well this is what UK young people think’.” Not being funny, but the students, or ‘people of age minority’, in that room do not accurately represent what Hampstead Young people think and do (I mean, they did PSCHEJKSDF work for starters), let alone what all 11 million children in this country think. It doesn't take a mathematician to tell you a ten kids from a single school does not make a great sample to extrapolate for all kids.

Asked what the government was doing to ensure children were safe in school, Justine Greening MP commented on “how much we had tried to do” in responding to the Syria crisis, because dropping bombs on an already war-torn country makes kids safer. Unless, of course, she was referring to the child refugees fleeing the conflict, to whom the government had done the arse-end of nothing to help until they had been bullied into taking on more child refugees that day in a u-turn.

Now, there were some genuine points made in the UNICEF video, and so we suggest that you do read up a little on what UNICEF do, but, as is our fault with this event in particular, it is not enough to simply be aware of a problem. Talk about acting does not amount to action.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Uniform Correction

Despite the incessant reminders about school uniform, the school has for the summer term published a (somewhat hastily assembled) guide to 'correct uniform'. Shame, then, that they couldn't also use correct punctuation and formatting.

Ignoring the doge-esque annotation of the photo of students wearing 'exemplary' uniform, the document had a knack of repeating itself, including the ardent belief that students should be wearing plain black footwear, but nothing vaguely comfortable, not least of which Dr Martens, which were originally designed for comfort.

Funny, then, that when at Hampstead, poster-girl (quite literally) and bastion of the school's creative alumni Zadie Smith was allegedly reported to have been a fan of the brand of boots in her student days. Then again, in those days you didn't need to be dressed for learning to do well for yourself. Et tu, Hampstead?

Spot the lack of formatting, or the need of a comma.

Friday, 13 May 2016

Op-Ed #11

Lord Tony ‘Assembly’ Hall writes:

As Director General of the Buzz Bashing Corporation (BBC), the independent and completely partial media corporation for Hampstead School (and proprietor of the Trash), I have been perturbed by the Management’s recent moves to try and curb some of our freedoms, claiming we show an evident bias against the Management and their policies (which is completely untrue, we have an unwavering record on complete honesty and accurate reporting; it's not our fault if they are terrible). After all, there is no chance that every corporation’s trust has a chance of being corrupt.

The proposed plans also include the replacement of out trust of ‘student leaders’ with the even less democratically-elected school representatives, a move most definitely intended to try and make the corporation a propaganda organ for the school. Other tell-tale signs include the proposed name change to the Big Brother Corporation.

Other plans include a change to the time we are allowed put out our main articles, to give other competitive corporations (such as the flailing ETC.) more of a chance, as well as a promise for content to be less like the pointless bile they pump out. We have also been commanded to begin every broadcast with the phrase “Praise the Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea Admiral General Szecretaryforculturemediaandsportkowski”, a radical change from our current “‘Sup w********s, what’s good?”

Most damningly of all, the Management have said they will not lift the ban on the Blazer Bulletin Corporation on school servers, despite reforms, even though they contend to be respecters of the right to the freedom of the media. Asked by one of my reporters if he was acting like a totalitarian dictator, silencing damaging reports, Admiral General Szilenceikillyoukowski responded: “Silence him.”

Now all we can do is bend over and take it like I learnt in prep school, or we can continue to be arrogantly rebellious, truthful and opinionated. You know what, I prefer that idea.

DISCLAIMER: All the views in this article are fictitious and fabricated, as is the character. It is a spoof. Duh.

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Celestial Inequality Month

School screens normally have something idiotic or ironic written on them (see Trash passim), and this week was no exception. One of the faux announcements being royally ignored by students was the revelation that it is Sun Awareness Week.

So, since the sun only occupies the sky for half of every day, we asked some students to tell us how aware they were of the sun:

“What, that big ball of light in the sky is the sun? Nah, I thought that was someone’s really big idea.”
- Abdi (Year 8)

“The sun is the moon. That’s why you never see them at the same time. That’s why they’re the same size.”
“I thought the sun was bruck in two and that’s why we have Venus.”

“Nah, everyone knows the sun is a natural satellite, that’s why it goes round the earth. I learnt that in science.”
- Abdi and Abdi (Years 12 & 13)

“We should all be aware of the sun. The sun is what happens you don’t brush your teeth. The sun used to be white as the moon, but it didn’t brush after eating its undersized jellies and it went yellow.”
- Mr Abdi (Physics Teacher)