Sylvia Ryver-Raine writes:
Hi...
Peace, yeah. Today was like, you know, the Green Party Conference, and so we all met for circle time in the Ecology Area to talk about important things like, you know, bears and trees and the corruption of the human soul by capitalism. After having a coca cola break, we got down to the serious business of making windcatchers and knitting beanie hats for cold penguins.
After sitting round the campfire, smoking some... er... nature, we all congratulated one another on our mutual dislike of nuclear weapons, and resolved that we would try and get the damn Tories in the Student Council to get rid of all of Hampstead's nuclear weapons, using our powerful voting block of one, because, like, bombs are, like, bad and they do kill lots of people which is bad.
Finally, we had an impassioned and powerful speech by our great and glorious leader, half-platypus Natalie Benevolent, who spoke a lot about numbers, and how numbers to do with the economy are broken down. For example, er... um...
There were many things that we could take away from the conference, not least of which that we need to use our great political influence to stop the Trident programme! Gums don't kill people, but wrappers do!
So, like, you know, like, peace, yeah.
Friday 26 February 2016
Thursday 25 February 2016
Sino Lizard Television
Time Team – Season 268
Publication date: 14/02/5016
Site name: ‘Hampstead School’
Ref. 10228-420-80085
[Translated from Mandarin]
Hello, and welcome to this week’s episode of Time Team. Last week we looked at some of the great finds being found in the area of land that the North Sea once occupied, finding some extraordinary things, including the remains of Lord Lucan encased in an underwater casino, the Lotus Esprit from The Spy Who Loved Me and an old gum-shaped submarine with no nuclear weapons in it. Deciding to tone down the possible finds this week, we travelled to a small patch of land in north-west London. Much of the site had been covered by dirt, radioactive materials spilling from the various structures, and crisp packets, leaving only an old spire bearing a tattered red flag above ground. Preliminary excavations found many pieces of paper labelled ‘Hampstead Buzz’, which we can assume was some form of wide-spread narcotic, a stockpile of doughnuts containing traces of Ecology, and an embalmed and mummified giant Aye-aye, buried underneath some form of purple-brick pyramid with five hundred early-teens stuffed into jars.
At the site we found on what would have been the tiled flooring of the main square a large pointillist image only viewable from an aerial perspective. Each individual dot, only an inch-or-so in diameter, was made of a white adhesive substance. But it gets weirder: analysis of the dots shows not only the presence of peppermint, but of human saliva, suggesting it was the Hampstead people’s ritual to chew and spit the dots onto the ground, in order to make the massive work of art. Brian Cocks, professor of Archaeology and Old Earth Studies at the New Mars Institute said: “From the evidence gathered at the site, we can gather the collective piece of imagery had a religious purpose to it, the aerial view of the image showing what looks like to be a large smiling face of a middle-aged man, resembling 21st century British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. We can see this art would have been a community effort to revere the man, or deity, by projecting his likeness into the heavens. Amaaaaazing.”
This likeness continues to be present in many of the building remains of the Hampstead site; a twenty metre high marble statue bearing the same face being uncovered at the heart of what is now just a metal frame in the centre of the ancient complex, the base bearing the old Latino words “Hoc est scholam bonam”, or “This is a good school”. Also found all over the site were images of the same worshipped face in walls, preserved in a tarpaulin substance and copious amounts of asbestos.
As well as a seemingly very religious, monotheistic society, the Hampstead people could also have been very brutal. Just to the south of the main square of the site, diggers found a boggy pit, at some point filled with water or thick mud, containing the remains of some two-thousand children, aged somewhere between eleven and twelve. As the decomposition process took effect so quickly, only the bones remain, but out best guess is those who were deemed unworthy by the ancient Hampstead public were drowned in the well.
All praise the lizard people!
Tuesday 23 February 2016
The Not-so-Great Game
Do you remember the good old days, when we had not one but two cages where students could tear their knees up freely on concrete and unconvincing astro turf? Yeah, well tough - those times are over.
With the arrival of the new build, there is no longer a sizeable enough horizontal space for playing football anymore, leading students to trip over themselves and others in that now gloomier-than-the-head’s-average-thought space under the ‘New’ Block (or soon to be No Block At All Block). After all, the outdoor space is for playing in, and students have been encouraged by little-known boy band The Government to be active, even if the outdoor space at Hampstead has been reduced to the size of Thumbelina’s libido. And how have the Management responded to this enginuitive, advantageous spirit from students?
By confiscating the footballs. Yes, as well as not being able to run, you're not allowed to kick a ball either, all in the name of health and safety (because everyone knows that well known saying ‘to put an Umbro in the works’).
The school would probably argue that this is a short period in which football is not allowed that is necessary to renovate the school, so that students can use the large playing in a couple of years. Because, of course, all the students attending now will be attending in two years, and students don’t have the right to play, and that right only applies when it is convenient. To paraphrase that great Pink Floyd song: “Teachers, leave those kid’s balls alone!”
With the arrival of the new build, there is no longer a sizeable enough horizontal space for playing football anymore, leading students to trip over themselves and others in that now gloomier-than-the-head’s-average-thought space under the ‘New’ Block (or soon to be No Block At All Block). After all, the outdoor space is for playing in, and students have been encouraged by little-known boy band The Government to be active, even if the outdoor space at Hampstead has been reduced to the size of Thumbelina’s libido. And how have the Management responded to this enginuitive, advantageous spirit from students?
By confiscating the footballs. Yes, as well as not being able to run, you're not allowed to kick a ball either, all in the name of health and safety (because everyone knows that well known saying ‘to put an Umbro in the works’).
The school would probably argue that this is a short period in which football is not allowed that is necessary to renovate the school, so that students can use the large playing in a couple of years. Because, of course, all the students attending now will be attending in two years, and students don’t have the right to play, and that right only applies when it is convenient. To paraphrase that great Pink Floyd song: “Teachers, leave those kid’s balls alone!”
Monday 22 February 2016
SHOCK HORROR: Pot Found in Sixth Form Area
Hampstead school was rocked last week when some pot was discovered in the sixth form common room.
No one has confessed to being responsible for the pot, leading some to wonder if it was planted there. It is strictly prohibited to bring any pot into school, and any student found with some pot on them will risk exclusion and soil on their head.
 |
| Ecology - Hampstead style. |
Friday 12 February 2016
Op-Ed #5
The Decapitated Head writes:
I am outraged –
outraged, I tell you – at what has been said by students on this
blog in the past three years! If I had my way (as most of the time I
do) all of them would be expelled from this school at once for
seditious and defamatory remarks, regardless of whether or not they
are true. Three years I have sat idly by, keeping my silence,
stonewalling these cretins at the behest of my PR consultants Abdi &
Abdi. All I've wanted to do all this time is to respond to these
people, tell them how they are so wrong about me in so many ways (I
do not look anything like
Gordon Brown), but to engage with the enemy is to vindicate them.
However, this week my unimpeachable moral fibre and media spin was
bent to the will of students, and so I will use this Op-Ed to state a
response to all the years of 'student speech'.
Before
I go on, I wanted to first say that the school has recently had a
5-Year-Trend (two years ago) that we are all very proud of, as well
as winning many various awards in the past term including being
awarded Level 2 Human Rights Violating School, which is something
that I can now tick of the bucket list, and makes every student feel
as if they are part of some wider Hampstead ethos.
The
students who have taken time out of their many possible learning
minutes to voice their concerns about the school and the way its run
are all that's wrong with society. Free speech has gone too far, and
it is blogs like this one that inspire people to become radicals and
go off to fight holy jihad. These anarchists are what's to blame for
every problem in society. If I had my way, I would find a way of
shipping them off to camps so they cannot be made to cause problems
in my – I mean our – school and society.
Let
me address some of the so-called 'home truths' this blog has been
seen to be propagating about Hampstead. Firstly, the Student Council
is very effectual, and
have been responsible for many notable and great things that have
passed into the school's policy, such as that time when I listened to
them about... such as... when...
Secondly,
league tables are the least of my worries. Under my headship we have
proven to be so bad at engineering our pupils into exam machines that
would rank us highly that it hardly seems worthwhile attempting
anything in that direction. No, instead I have made it my life's work
to make every student look as similar as humanly possible. Where
eugenics has failed me, terrible tailoring and imposing staff will
succeed. That is my vision for Hampstead.
Thirdly,
I so am not aggressive, divisive, egotistical, vindictive and
childish. They were unfair to me! Just because my face is on every
piece of paper the school prints and I have already commissioned a
10-foot alabaster statue of me for the completion of the new build
does not mean I am self-obsessed. This blog claims I have ignored the
wills of students, staff, teachers and parents alike as I strive for
my own personal betterment, especially in the media, and have used my
position of power to treat people unfairly. Well, I have no idea of
what they are talking about (as I have chosen to ignore anything I
don't like, including up until now this pain-in-the-backside of a
blog), but whoever they are I will either expel them or have them
fired!
And
finally, I work very hard trying to claim money off of the business
manager for my many pet projects that cast the school in a slightly
better light. The reason why I do this is, lets face it, with this
blog hanging around like a stink bomb in the English corridor, and
the fact that the school and its contents looks like a series
babushka turds, I have to clutch at any straws I can and staple them
to the bottom of our letter heads to make the school look even
infinitesimally better than it looked when I came here ten years ago.
And
I said all of that without swearing once thank you!
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously not the work of the real Head, and as a spoof, any thoughts, feelings, opinions, expressions and beliefs are entirely fictitious, concocted by the editors of this blog. But it would be nice if it was real, wouldn't it?
Hampstead™ School Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
These Hampstead gifts are bound to spice up your Valentine's Day this year, and are perfect for that szpecial someone you love...
Dank - Eau du Toilette (pour la poubelle)
Sexy Grey Suit and Matching ‘Head’ Mask – for spicing things up in the bedroom
12 Hand-picked ‘Red Rose’ buds from the Ecology Area
Sam’s Bra and Panties – 100% edible, made from flamin’ hot chicken wings for that midnight snack.
How to make the most out of your Bikeshed – 101 tips for getting the best out of your trip to behind the bikeshed in a pocket-size book. This updated edition comes with NEW positions.
Motivational Banners – Each banner comes with a motivational message for when you need that extra push in the bedroom. Messages include: ‘release your potential’ ‘I can’t do it. I’ll try’ and ‘Try your Hardest!’
Strip Money-Up
Thursday 11 February 2016
Star-Spangled Banners
Word on the lips of many students today was the special visit of the US Ambassor, who gave an interractive talk to students after school. We spoke to several students who attended the talk, who reported that the Ambassador spoke candidely about American policy both at home and overseas, saying fromt the outset that "we have many [faults]". First the students were asked several questions about their perception of America and some issues surrounding the nation at the moment. Some interesting results showed that 72% of Hampstead students believed that America was too involved in world problems, and when asked what they believe the US Government is interested in upholding, only 7% answered 'freedom', with 45% answering 'something else'; suggestions for what that something else including oil, money and themselves.
Speaking on many different topics, the inevitable issue that took up the larger part of the talk was that of guns and gun control. The Ambassador was said to have likened the number of deaths in America due to cars (30,000) to that of gun deaths (30,000), saying that the number of car deaths had fallen due to advances in technology, education and legislature. His argument was that the same could be applied to guns; over time 'reasonable limitations' could be put on the range and use of guns. Students were quick to raise various points in response, including the fact that cars are not a constitutional right like arms are, and from a British perspective the only 'reasonable limitation' on guns is a complete ban. The Ambassador attributed this to a cultural difference, but agreed that guns are an issue in America.
Double entendres ensued when talking about wages vs. GDP in America, apparently stating on more than one occasion (to a room full of teenagers) that President Obama wants to "get it back up again". He also referenced Obama when talking about slavery, saying that it was "our original sin". When talking about international relations, it was of course his job to argue that America had done a great deal of good. Referencing a great many historical events when America had helped the situation through intervention (such as WWII), he mentioned that after 1945 America had "rebuilt Japan", apart from the small towns of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
As a non-partisan official, he couldn't speak too freely about his thoughts on the current presidential race, however he did touch briefly on something he deemed to be non-political. Speaking on the proposition made by Donald Trump to ban all Muslims from entering the US as president, he said the claim was "unamerican, unconsitutional" and "just plain wrong", as well as saying that it would be "illegal to do it".
Of course, the Head had to weigh in at the end, thanking various people including the, by all accounts, well informed and eruditely opinionated students, who the rest of the time he roundly ignores, as well as gifting the Ambassador with a Hampstead School tote bag, which is just what the Ambassador needs to carry all his top-secret documents in when travelling. The Ambassador did however offer some wise words that could easily be directed at the school Management. When recounting meeting Obama in the Oval Office, the president's advice for dealing people was one word: "listen".
DISCLAIMER: All events reported in this article are true to the best of our knowledge. We have not reported all the issues that were raised and discussed in the talk, only the ones that we deemed of interest. We have tried to portray both sides of each argument equally, something which we are sure the Ambassador would want.
Speaking on many different topics, the inevitable issue that took up the larger part of the talk was that of guns and gun control. The Ambassador was said to have likened the number of deaths in America due to cars (30,000) to that of gun deaths (30,000), saying that the number of car deaths had fallen due to advances in technology, education and legislature. His argument was that the same could be applied to guns; over time 'reasonable limitations' could be put on the range and use of guns. Students were quick to raise various points in response, including the fact that cars are not a constitutional right like arms are, and from a British perspective the only 'reasonable limitation' on guns is a complete ban. The Ambassador attributed this to a cultural difference, but agreed that guns are an issue in America.
Double entendres ensued when talking about wages vs. GDP in America, apparently stating on more than one occasion (to a room full of teenagers) that President Obama wants to "get it back up again". He also referenced Obama when talking about slavery, saying that it was "our original sin". When talking about international relations, it was of course his job to argue that America had done a great deal of good. Referencing a great many historical events when America had helped the situation through intervention (such as WWII), he mentioned that after 1945 America had "rebuilt Japan", apart from the small towns of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
As a non-partisan official, he couldn't speak too freely about his thoughts on the current presidential race, however he did touch briefly on something he deemed to be non-political. Speaking on the proposition made by Donald Trump to ban all Muslims from entering the US as president, he said the claim was "unamerican, unconsitutional" and "just plain wrong", as well as saying that it would be "illegal to do it".
Of course, the Head had to weigh in at the end, thanking various people including the, by all accounts, well informed and eruditely opinionated students, who the rest of the time he roundly ignores, as well as gifting the Ambassador with a Hampstead School tote bag, which is just what the Ambassador needs to carry all his top-secret documents in when travelling. The Ambassador did however offer some wise words that could easily be directed at the school Management. When recounting meeting Obama in the Oval Office, the president's advice for dealing people was one word: "listen".
DISCLAIMER: All events reported in this article are true to the best of our knowledge. We have not reported all the issues that were raised and discussed in the talk, only the ones that we deemed of interest. We have tried to portray both sides of each argument equally, something which we are sure the Ambassador would want.
Wednesday 10 February 2016
Texts & Mugs & Rock & Roll
Teachers from Manchestead School's history durpartment last week announced the formation of a staff band. Inspired by a major period of history they teach, in a statement they announced their name as 'Joy Division'. When asked about the sound of the band, Ian Organ, frontman, described it as "an arabica blend of the Kaiser Chiefs, the Doors and Ask Hannett". When they were then 'spontaneously' questioned on the origin of their name, they answered:
"Well, like, when we was young there was this classic chune, 'Lets Dance to Joy Division', and we was always fascinated by them Wombats." answered A. English-Teacher. "I think it's fair to say that without the Wombats there wouldn't be no Joy Division."
Interviewer: Rather... Um, Interesting... What can your fans expect to hear from you in the near future?
[Bass player chokes]
Organ: "We've got this record coming out - we recorded the whole thing in a massive hall - yeah one of them proper big ones. We wrote one about the Head called 'He's Lost Control' but that got censored."
Interviewer: And, if I may, why the choice of name?
Other guy: "Well, we didn't want to stand on Ceremony. When we were talking, it was just something in the Atmosphere. Obviously, we didn't want to be responsible for any Disorder, so we had to use names approved by the Head."
"Well, like, when we was young there was this classic chune, 'Lets Dance to Joy Division', and we was always fascinated by them Wombats." answered A. English-Teacher. "I think it's fair to say that without the Wombats there wouldn't be no Joy Division."
Interviewer: Rather... Um, Interesting... What can your fans expect to hear from you in the near future?
[Bass player chokes]
Organ: "We've got this record coming out - we recorded the whole thing in a massive hall - yeah one of them proper big ones. We wrote one about the Head called 'He's Lost Control' but that got censored."
Interviewer: And, if I may, why the choice of name?
Other guy: "Well, we didn't want to stand on Ceremony. When we were talking, it was just something in the Atmosphere. Obviously, we didn't want to be responsible for any Disorder, so we had to use names approved by the Head."
The Head's press office initially refused to comment, however, when pressed for a response, replied: "While we respect the work of the SS, quite simply put we can not even entertain the idea of employing individuals, especially those who display aspiration and passion."
As it seems, Love Will Tear them Apart, as a new line-up today declared a name change to 'New Order' after re-reading their GCSE textbooks, in a bid to make the band sound less Nazi-influenced.
As it seems, Love Will Tear them Apart, as a new line-up today declared a name change to 'New Order' after re-reading their GCSE textbooks, in a bid to make the band sound less Nazi-influenced.
Tuesday 9 February 2016
EXCLUSIVE to All Tabloids – Leaked Trash Article Template Revealed!!!!!!
Taken from the pages of the Hampstead Buzz:
Yes, you heard it right here first! Top hacks from the Buzz can reveal that notorious blog the Hampstead Trash applies a simple template to ALL articles! That’s right – insiders that we ‘accidentally’ overheard when we sent one of our hacks to hide in their water cooler in Trash HQ said that they simply plug in a bunch of ideas into a piece of software (technology OMG!!!) along with the template and, with a bit of tweaking from a copy editor, is good to go. What an outrage! We though all their ideas were original!
Below, along with 10,000 reaction tweets to this very article, is the template that ALL Trash articles are based on, as well as in-depth analysis of those tweets (wow!):
[Insert punny title here]
Introductory paragraph full of witty repartee that uses your P.E.E skills to put across to the average Joe reader what you are talking about. Keywords to use include: ‘Head’, ‘wrong’, ‘Management’, ‘incompetence’ and ‘student voice’.
This [timescale] the school have only gone and done [thing], in which [random statistics]. This new evidence of the school’s incompetence shows how incompetent the school actually are. [Jokes about the Head’s name]
Furthermore, this other evidence of the school doing [anything] goes to show that this incompetence is a trend – you could even say 5-year-trend. This reminds us of the time when [this happened] and [that happened] which shows that the school are eternally incompetent and will never do anything right. [reference to ‘mad writings’ and ‘fruity language’]
[Insert the name ‘Abdi’ arbitrarily into the names of public figures to make the article relatable to current affairs] [banter about current affairs to make the school look vaguely topical, relevant and interesting]
Brief conclusion, perhaps including some gloomy prospects line, or some banter that could be spoof or real, meaning the reader is left in an unsure-what-is-real-and-what-is-not state, leading to Nineteen Eighty-Fouresque panic and ridicule of the genuine situation.
Repeat as necessary.
You heard it here first guys!!!!!!!!11!1!
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. Nothing in it is true; we're too lazy to have a template.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. Nothing in it is true; we're too lazy to have a template.
A day in the Hampstead Trash Offices
We sent renowned documentary maker and GCSE Media student, Louis Thepoux, to spend a day in the offices of the Hampstead Trash, observing the comings and goings of the largest online news vendor in Norf Weezie. With a staff of several thousand journalists, the Trash has quickly become one of the most prolific and up-to-date publications (as can be seen from the News ticker above).
07:00
Only the cleaner is awake. She cleans. She takes out the Trash.
08:35 (no later)
Heywood Jablome, P I Staker and Phyllis Stine walk into their offices. We see Heywood Jablome try and check BBC News for the day’s stories, but gets distracted by a GIF of Michael Gove falling over.
09:35
After laughing at it for an hour, he goes to get some boost and a doughnut before finding P I Staker crying in a dark. He is sad because he was sent home from school yesterday for not having the right colour skin.
09:42
The Editorial Team assemble around the conference table and decide which article they are going to spend the day giggling at until they publish it later that night.
09:43
Giggling ensues.
09:57
After the Editorial meeting, the writers get to work. On average, 98% of the daily content is scrapped, with only a lucky few writers making it onto the blog. The Hampstead Trash editorial team only allows pieces to be published that (1) do not offend the Head in any way, shape or form, (2) do not insinuate that there is a chance that every government is corrupt, (3) are poorly spellchecked, (4) are full of sweary-sweary-words that would upset little Timmy in Year 7, (5) include some form of motivational message next to a picture of a sunset (or something equally motivational) or a misquoted random article from the UNCRC.
10:05
The Trash’s proprietor, Sir Rupert Zaloom, enters the offices. He stops off at Jablome’s desk and demands the language of the articles be ‘fruiter’ and the writings ‘madder’. Jablome explains that 42% of the writing staff are already tripping balls on LSD perpetually after their last dispatches from behind the bikeshed. He says this is not good enough, and that we are losing readers to the stiff and fraught competition of the ETC. and the Buzz. He leaves in cloud of pink smoke leaving only a kestrel and a pineapple.
10:06
Special correspondent Julie La Sange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.
10:14
Political correspondent and insider for the Trash, Cllr Hugh G. Rection, comes in for a meeting, and to drop off his latest story about a Tory councillor sticking their Johnson in something untoward. The pineapple now makes sense.
10:56
Phyllis Stine receives an anonymous tip-off that Abdi Corbyn has done something utterly outrageous and intolerable. After spilling molten pizza sauce on the phone, then taking a twenty-minute break at eleven, she gets to work filling the day’s Corbyn’s-outrageous-and-intolerable-acts slot.
11:33
Jablome and E. Rex Sean take a private room to interview Maximillian Oscar-Oolong, who denies Marcus Kengtun, for it is he, ever stirred up a saucy pina colada. He does allude to one poultry feast he had with one Lord Abdicroft, in which he says that there may have been a certain ‘pheasant’ experience. This explains the kestrel.
11:45
Special correspondent Julie LaSange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.
12:02
Phyllis Stine returns from the councillors’ office with news of the Abdi Corbyn snafus for the day. They include proposing that cost-cutting measures should including taking away knives and forks from school dinners, student simply having to smash their faces into the boiling hot gruel, using Steven the school’s tut-tut pulling panda as a replacement for the school minibus, and that the Hampstead School compulsory red armbands may be ‘a bit offensive’.
12:40
Penn Name receives word (from someone else's answering machine) that the school have left the sexuality, as perceived by the teachers, of every student in the school on an excel file on the shared server. Racing to pursue, Penn Name adopts an alias and rushes into the school to acquire the document, ask some sources for a quote, and see who is a battyman.
12:59
Special correspondent Julie LaSange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.
13:19
Penn Name rushes back into the offices to talk to the other about the story and get to writing it. However, as it is too close to 1:20, he stops for a 45-minute lunch break (as God intended).
14:15
The Editorial team now has the tough decision of choosing which of the stories to run with. As with any lightning-fast, serious news service, they decide to sit on the excel-gate story, even though the school has already reported it to the Hague, as well as the Abdi Corbyn story and the pineapple-ring article, and instead run with ’10 Ways to Suck Up to your Headteacher Involving Jelly’. Proud of their day’s work, they publish the article and go home early.
16:20
The writers, finding themselves behind the bikesheds, decide to unwind after a long, hard day (especially for a Hugh G. Rection) by experiencing some of the Ecology.
21:14
Special correspondent Julie LaSange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. Nothing in it is true; we're too poor to have an office.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. Nothing in it is true; we're too poor to have an office.
Monday 8 February 2016
"Black shoe, black shoe, change your black shoe."
After an anonymous source wiretapped the Head's office, they rendered the transcript of one meeting to our correspondent Julie LaSange on the wall of the toilets in human faecal matter, and after correcting the grammar mistakes where the words had been scraped off by stray coins from the local money-uppers, sent the picture on the back of a cornflakes box to us.
[Transcript reads:]
---
Dust plumed up from the newly demolished school building, swamping the school estate the Head’s mansion occupies. Comrade Szmeletrotski coughed at this sudden splurge of fumes as he looked wistfully into the middle-distance, and took out a large packet of “Asbestos-be-Gone” before quickly swallowing it. It was obvious from how efficiently he did it, and how his face remained the same pasty white during the whole process, that he had practised swallowing a lot more. Wavey Don Abdi was shuffled into the room, and the Head greeted him with a suspiciously off-white smile:
Mr Szmelileaks: Which one are you, again? What are you here to discuss?
W4v3y-D0n-Abd1: Well bruv, I’ve been thinking, and I think being the School Council President and all that, shouldn’t I be giving the mandem what they want?
Mr Szmellymalechickenski: Well, sure young child; what do they want?
Abdi Amin: We want normal shoes, innit.
Mr Szmylordandsaviourkowski: Why would I do that chancellor Abdi? Plenty of other reasonable arguments have been made and still I have kept my stance on a point of principle (and stubbornness); why would I change now?
What’s more, how can you possibly be expected to learn when your crepes are fresher than the sell-by date on this 'new' packet of doughnuts that I acquired through completely legitimate means!
Frequent-McDonald's-Disabled-Bathroom-Goer-and-Keen-Amateur-Camera-Man-Abdi: But decapitated Head, our crepes don’t inhibit our learning in any way, they don’t infringe on how similar we look already, and uniform is already quite antiquated and inconvenient-
Mr Szupremeleaderkowski: Hey there young person-of-colour youth! Who taught you those big words? Do I really have to buy even more of these? Listen! I don't think you’re listening! You see this thing on my wrist? It’s worth more than you, your education and your family - I mean - we are unable to consider your considerations at this time due to our current workload.
At this he pointed to a large pile of motivational posters with less-than-vague sexual references on them, shaking his head as he did so. The late bell rang in the distance, and the collective sound of a thousand children moaning suddenly rang through the school and the mansion.
Comrade Abdinski IV: But sir! What about all those badges you got on the bottom of your letters? Aren't you supposed to be listening to us?
Mr Szmellimrunningoutofpunski: What? Oh no, we got those in exchange for mild sexual favours. Haven’t you seen that poster saying “Release your potential”? God! Sometimes I don’t know why I bought so many of those goddamn banners! It’s almost like they have no use whatsoever. Listen, we’re a politically correct school, so we can only use black shoes.
After this the Head shoved him out of the room and he was left alone. It was 8.36 now, and as the throng of students entered the gates, the Head, arms around back like that 50 shades poster he saw once, let out a wry smile. He picked up the book he was reading, 1984, and skipped to the poster descriptions, taking notes. Book in hand, he went off down the corridor, still thick with certain outdated, poisonous chemicals, to find some classroom to peer in for six seconds.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. All that was said in the article above is fictitious. Anyone who believes otherwise is just a bit simple.
[Transcript reads:]
---
Dust plumed up from the newly demolished school building, swamping the school estate the Head’s mansion occupies. Comrade Szmeletrotski coughed at this sudden splurge of fumes as he looked wistfully into the middle-distance, and took out a large packet of “Asbestos-be-Gone” before quickly swallowing it. It was obvious from how efficiently he did it, and how his face remained the same pasty white during the whole process, that he had practised swallowing a lot more. Wavey Don Abdi was shuffled into the room, and the Head greeted him with a suspiciously off-white smile:
Mr Szmelileaks: Which one are you, again? What are you here to discuss?
W4v3y-D0n-Abd1: Well bruv, I’ve been thinking, and I think being the School Council President and all that, shouldn’t I be giving the mandem what they want?
Mr Szmellymalechickenski: Well, sure young child; what do they want?
Abdi Amin: We want normal shoes, innit.
Mr Szmylordandsaviourkowski: Why would I do that chancellor Abdi? Plenty of other reasonable arguments have been made and still I have kept my stance on a point of principle (and stubbornness); why would I change now?
What’s more, how can you possibly be expected to learn when your crepes are fresher than the sell-by date on this 'new' packet of doughnuts that I acquired through completely legitimate means!
Frequent-McDonald's-Disabled-Bathroom-Goer-and-Keen-Amateur-Camera-Man-Abdi: But decapitated Head, our crepes don’t inhibit our learning in any way, they don’t infringe on how similar we look already, and uniform is already quite antiquated and inconvenient-
Mr Szupremeleaderkowski: Hey there young person-of-colour youth! Who taught you those big words? Do I really have to buy even more of these? Listen! I don't think you’re listening! You see this thing on my wrist? It’s worth more than you, your education and your family - I mean - we are unable to consider your considerations at this time due to our current workload.
At this he pointed to a large pile of motivational posters with less-than-vague sexual references on them, shaking his head as he did so. The late bell rang in the distance, and the collective sound of a thousand children moaning suddenly rang through the school and the mansion.
Comrade Abdinski IV: But sir! What about all those badges you got on the bottom of your letters? Aren't you supposed to be listening to us?
Mr Szmellimrunningoutofpunski: What? Oh no, we got those in exchange for mild sexual favours. Haven’t you seen that poster saying “Release your potential”? God! Sometimes I don’t know why I bought so many of those goddamn banners! It’s almost like they have no use whatsoever. Listen, we’re a politically correct school, so we can only use black shoes.
After this the Head shoved him out of the room and he was left alone. It was 8.36 now, and as the throng of students entered the gates, the Head, arms around back like that 50 shades poster he saw once, let out a wry smile. He picked up the book he was reading, 1984, and skipped to the poster descriptions, taking notes. Book in hand, he went off down the corridor, still thick with certain outdated, poisonous chemicals, to find some classroom to peer in for six seconds.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. All that was said in the article above is fictitious. Anyone who believes otherwise is just a bit simple.
Friday 5 February 2016
Op-Ed #4
Sir Lynton Stills-and-Nash, political campaign manager, writes:
With the IEU Caucus having taken place with our friends across the pond in the United States of Ameriquad, we can once again see how divided the political race can be. Whilst team Democracy (who took their aspirational name from the team on last year's The Apprentice Syria) were split between Ms Hillary Cards and Doc from Back to the Future, the Old Republic voters put Tom Cruz on top, with DoNaldé Trump, Emperor Palpatine and Lord Vader following five-or-so points behind.
Of course, when I was running the Boccaccio DéCameron campaign last year, we knew weeks ahead of the vote that we had won, much like most of the School Council elections, but my friend and campaigner David Driveshaft will most probably watching this election very closely; being the campaign manager for Barbarack Osama and Ded Millipede, he probably doesn’t want his side to lose twice in as many years.
Of course, when I was running the Boccaccio DéCameron campaign last year, we knew weeks ahead of the vote that we had won, much like most of the School Council elections, but my friend and campaigner David Driveshaft will most probably watching this election very closely; being the campaign manager for Barbarack Osama and Ded Millipede, he probably doesn’t want his side to lose twice in as many years.
Then came DoNaldé Trump, the man made entirely of melted-down Trolls, who announced that if he were president he would “ban all Muslims from entering the United States of Ameriquad” until he “can work out what the hell is going on [with his hair]”. This swiftly prompted mass outrage amongst the Muslim community, as well as anyone with a functioning brain, with Abdi Corbyn rushing to state that “You know, I once met a Muslim, and he was a jolly good chap. What Mr Trump has said was very unfair on Muslims like the one I met. You know, the nice, non-exploding ones”.
I don’t pretend to have half a clue who may win the presidential race this November (apart from all this polling data I’ve just been given), but all I know is that it, like a Muppet Show for adults, will be wholly entertaining, as well as full of funny-looking characters with faces that aren’t their own looking like they’ve just had someone’s hand shoved up their jacksy.
I don’t pretend to have half a clue who may win the presidential race this November (apart from all this polling data I’ve just been given), but all I know is that it, like a Muppet Show for adults, will be wholly entertaining, as well as full of funny-looking characters with faces that aren’t their own looking like they’ve just had someone’s hand shoved up their jacksy.
DISCLAIMER: This is a spoof written from the point of view of a fictitious character, so the views expressed in the article are not the views of the blog.
Thursday 4 February 2016
Silence Will Fall
The Trash has learned that form tutors were contacted last week, being asked to give suggestions as to how to make the library a quieter place, because, of course, people make noise. As such, we tasked Julie LaSange with discovering some of the ideas made for giving silence to the library:
- Ban all pupils from entering the library at all times.
- Actually, nobody is allowed to enter the library, ever.
- In fact, lock the doors.
- Soundproof the walls.
- Hermetically seal the room.
- Then suck out all the air so the room is one big vacuum.
- Fit the librarians with space suits so they can, you know, breath.
- Invent a device that neutralises the effect of gravity, so nothing can ever be dropped on the floor.
- Staple all the books to the shelves so they don’t float away.
- Send email notification that this will be the case from now to eternity.
- Er…
- That’s it.
In the Library no one can hear you scream.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof, the real suggestions were far less rational.
Wednesday 3 February 2016
Budget 2015/16
Prospective parents will have once again received a breakdown of the school’s results, DfE statistics and budget for the 2015/16 academic year in the latest round of glossy, and undoubtedly expensive, prospectuses. Compared to the one we reported on two years ago, this latest version included a startling lack of boastful graphs showing that beloved 5-year-trend, which wasn't accurate two years ago and certainly isn't now. Instead, a few discreet tables showing the results of the last exam season, the GCSEs only compared with last year’s (worse) results, and the A-Level results entirely without comparison to previous, more successful results.
This time the school managed to balance their budget, showing that they too can learn that 50% of maths isn't imagination, albeit with a few funds missing. We have in many articles questioned exactly how and why the school chose to spend £55k on Attendance in the last budget, and come the 2015/16 breakdown, this attendance budget failed to show up (very funny. -Ed). No doubt, many of the school’s other poor financial decisions (RRSA, AfA, ALPs to name but a few) will remain, and more are yet to come, but £55k going back into educating students is not to be sniffed at.
One thing we did notice was the £500,000 pounds of the school budget that had been put towards the new build. Whilst it is a nice change for the school to be diverting funds towards something worthwhile which (might) better students’ educations, it does seem to be a lot of money for no say in how the build, or even the site, is orchestrated, and a restricted control (even by the Management’s standard) of the finer details of the buildings upon completion (the best we've heard so far is the possibility of lockers).
This time the school managed to balance their budget, showing that they too can learn that 50% of maths isn't imagination, albeit with a few funds missing. We have in many articles questioned exactly how and why the school chose to spend £55k on Attendance in the last budget, and come the 2015/16 breakdown, this attendance budget failed to show up (very funny. -Ed). No doubt, many of the school’s other poor financial decisions (RRSA, AfA, ALPs to name but a few) will remain, and more are yet to come, but £55k going back into educating students is not to be sniffed at.
One thing we did notice was the £500,000 pounds of the school budget that had been put towards the new build. Whilst it is a nice change for the school to be diverting funds towards something worthwhile which (might) better students’ educations, it does seem to be a lot of money for no say in how the build, or even the site, is orchestrated, and a restricted control (even by the Management’s standard) of the finer details of the buildings upon completion (the best we've heard so far is the possibility of lockers).
Tuesday 2 February 2016
When Two Tribes Go To War
Irony seems to be part of the school's ethos, and a PSHCHRYRHSTE from 2011 seems to perfectly forecast everything the school did wrong when dealing with us. The name of the presentation? 'Conflict Resolution'.
The presentation starts by defining conflict as 'opposition', 'a clash of opposing ideas' and 'contention', among others (are you starting to see what we're talking about?). They then say that the causes of conflict include: 'opposing viewpoints or opinions', 'selfishness' and 'miscommunication'. After showing various photos of optical illusions that have been around since someone got pissed near a lake and realised a duck looks a bit like a rabbit (yeah, we don't know either), the presentation went on to state some of the things you can do to get past possible conflicts including (and this is where it gets brilliant): 'avoid assumptions', 'listen' and 'Tell Your Story'.
Then, of course, the last slide of the presentation had to be 'strategies to resolve conflict'. As if the rest of the presentation hadn't been a slap in the face to the Management, by their own account showing that what they had done over the past three years (and before) had been bad conflict resolution, and what we had done was right, the ways of resolving conflict that the school stipulate include: 'assume you do not have all the answers', 'ask questions to understand the other person', 'be prepared to compromise or make a deal'. Now, when we started this blog, we did question, and hoped that the management would at least try to 'understand' our position. And, we wanted to open up a conversation – a real one – between the management and students, in the hope that perhaps there might be some 'compromise' to be had. But, then again, nobody, not even a school, likes being told that they 'do not have all the answers'.
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