EXCLUSIVE to All Tabloids – Leaked Trash Article Template Revealed!!!!!!

Taken from the pages of the Hampstead Buzz:

Yes, you heard it right here first! Top hacks from the Buzz can reveal that notorious blog the Hampstead Trash applies a simple template to ALL articles! That’s right – insiders that we ‘accidentally’ overheard when we sent one of our hacks to hide in their water cooler in Trash HQ said that they simply plug in a bunch of ideas into a piece of software (technology OMG!!!) along with the template and, with a bit of tweaking from a copy editor, is good to go. What an outrage! We though all their ideas were original!

Below, along with 10,000 reaction tweets to this very article, is the template that ALL Trash articles are based on, as well as in-depth analysis of those tweets (wow!):

[Insert punny title here] 

Introductory paragraph full of witty repartee that uses your P.E.E skills to put across to the average Joe reader what you are talking about. Keywords to use include: ‘Head’, ‘wrong’, ‘Management’, ‘incompetence’ and ‘student voice’. 

This [timescale] the school have only gone and done [thing], in which [random statistics]. This new evidence of the school’s incompetence shows how incompetent the school actually are. [Jokes about the Head’s name] 

Furthermore, this other evidence of the school doing [anything] goes to show that this incompetence is a trend – you could even say 5-year-trend. This reminds us of the time when [this happened] and [that happened] which shows that the school are eternally incompetent and will never do anything right. [reference to ‘mad writings’ and ‘fruity language’] 

[Insert the name ‘Abdi’ arbitrarily into the names of public figures to make the article relatable to current affairs] [banter about current affairs to make the school look vaguely topical, relevant and interesting] 

Brief conclusion, perhaps including some gloomy prospects line, or some banter that could be spoof or real, meaning the reader is left in an unsure-what-is-real-and-what-is-not state, leading to Nineteen Eighty-Fouresque panic and ridicule of the genuine situation. 

Repeat as necessary.

You heard it here first guys!!!!!!!!11!1!


DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. Nothing in it is true; we're too lazy to have a template.