SHOCK AS JIHADIST TRAINING CAMP FOUND IN NORTH LONDON COMPREHENSIVE

by Our Norf Weezie correspondent, Tori Graph

Shock has swept across the nation, or at least those people who live in cottages in Norfolk, think Hezbollah is something served with houmous, and believe that there is an actual physical wave of migrants rolling across the channel coming to find them, kill them, and then run up their taxes because they are on the dole. Signs (or rather a 'sign', see photo below) have been found of a terrorist training camp located as close to home as a North London school, named East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive.

According to our expert in Muslamic studies, Alan Huakbar (no relation to Admiral Akbar), the Muslamic text roughly translates as 'Muslamic Training Camp, Ray Guns this way', and the arrow just means an arrow pointing, our expert surmises, in the way of the Muslamic Ray Guns.

East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive is regarded as a hotspot for Muslamic grooming, because we said so just now so it must be true. According to a poll we took in the area, 150% of the sample were Muslamic, with 1 of the 1 people that we asked being called Abdi. This makes the comprehensive a hotbed for interracial tensions (ooh-err missus), and a melting pot for radical ideas, such as anarchy, fruity language, and the eventual death of the West.

Headteacher and known Iraqi sympathiser, Mr Szadamhusseinkowski (because we've likened him to every other dictator, so why not?), gave the following statement on the issue: "Hampstead is a multicultural and diverse school, with over 10,000 known languages spoken within the institution, such as Latin, Ancient Assyrian, Aardvark and a Cricklewood dialect which some say vaguely resembles English. As such, we are proud to be holding a diversity poetry competition, with entries only permissible in God's English. Of course, if Jihadists were found in Hampstead, we couldn't do anything as a public sector establishment crippled by a fear of not being 100% politically correct and thus offending some Islamics. However, if they were anarchists..."

Mad Jihadist writings: according to a racist terrorism
expert, the sign resembles the flag of Islamic State, as it has
squiggly lines on it and is written down.