Placid Pamphlet Punished by Bad Numbers

Hampstead School's official 'student' magazine has this week been advertising vacancies in their editorial team, after the previous lot all left after the first publication received feeble reception and open mocking (which was, we hate to say, fair enough; it was terrible). Equally miserable were the applications, of which Trash Reporters believe to be few and far-between. It seems a shame that the 'official' school magazine, that boasts little to do with the school, has an editorial team about as sparse and empty as the Lib Dem manifesto, whereas the 'unofficial' orators of School-based news (which is, by the way, the Trash, for readers who can't join up dots) has five writers currently, with a sixth about to join, and two members that have been and gone. Perhaps it is because the Trash actually talks about things that are relevant to Hampstead Students, rather than wet daydreams about boy bands such as One Dimension (deliberate typo there). And, even though ETC. claim to be a student-run publication, perhaps the reason it has dwindling numbers, and has little to do with the school, is that, despite freedom of press and freedom of speech reaching the Western world many years ago, it may not quite have reached our beloved North London Comprehensive.

Of course, it would be admirable if the SLT allowed an issue of ETC. to go to print with articles that highlighted at least once a problem or area of friction within the school. We doubt they ever will, as they have some kind of delusion that, if they ignore and block out problems and their whistleblowers, they will simply go away. They will not and the ETC. magazine will continue to favour Year 7 detritus written in Crayola crayons about 'motivation' and another bright-eyed cloned boy band, making it as worthless as the arses it is used to wipe behind the bike-sheds.

Here is our version of how the advert went:

ETC.

The School's Andrex

• Want to have your say about life at Hampstead School? Tough. Sod off. 
• Want to advise? Inform? Entertain? Go and get a job in a proper magazine. One that people actually read.
• Motivated? Enthusiastic? What are you doing in Hampstead?
• Organised? Creative? Pick one.

Apply for the Hampstead School's Magazine! You would think, as an English Department Project, we would realise that the 'the' in that statement makes it grammatically incorrect. It's 'the' or 'School's'; pick one.

Roles:

Cheese

Tuna

Chicken Salad

Pick up an application form from *English Teacher* in the English Office. We printed one out and it still hasn't been taken.

Closing Date: We're going to say 4th October, but we might have to extend that because NO ONE CARES.

***

Well that's what we think at least. If you want to have something published in the Trash, you are welcome to send a guest article through our Facebook page (you will be kept anonymous, don't worry). Also, if you think the Trash is just as bad as ETC, you are more than welcome to wipe your arse with it, but we must warn those that do that you will have a very pooey laptop/phone/PC after.

To view the original advertisement, see photo below:

We checked the mark scheme and this piece of Language Coursework got an F.
EBI: Try to be more persuasive.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.