BREAKING: WORST EVER GCSE RESULTS FOR RECORD 4TH SUCCESSIVE YEAR

The number achieving 5 GSTAR - U overall rose to 83%, whilst some 66% of students  achieved 5 or more goodest GCSEs including England (reeding & righting) and Mafmatiks, again the worst in the history of the school, breaking the previous records set in 2009, 2010 and 2011. Moreover, we are still awaiting some more results and I am confident that this will decrease even further.

One student, when questioned by that most famous source of up-to-date global news the Camden New Journal said; "I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" after passing Functional Skills Level 1 and getting a C in Food Tech.

Decapitated Head, Jacques Szemalikdjdhdfbskjbgfsgfsidkfkowski, said: “These are great results and I am so pleased for the students who achieved them and our staff that made it happen.  In today’s tough climate, these results mean so much to young people in terms of prospects and progression opportunities. They now have the correct qualifications to sell their bodies to the night for their next hit of crack, which is our role in the School-Parent relationship."

These GCSEs follow on from our record A Level results last week, amazingly sh**er than ever.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.