School Council Orders Defence Budget Cuts

In a report published this week by the department of defence, the current school council outlines its plans for a cut in the defence budget. In a statement made today by the school defence minister, Marcus Kengtun, as an attempt to justify the cuts: "With the significant decrease in crime and school security being the highest it has been since 1974, we believe that a decrease in the school defence budget is only right. We not only believe that current crime levels will be maintained, but can be further decreased with a more focused and determined defence department." The largest cut is to the schools nuclear missile programme, seemingly as a result of the devastating effects the UN sanctions has had on the school economy.

As a school, this publication believes, we demand the right to defend ourselves if a risk were to present itself. This includes the right to bear arms and the lethal use of nuclear weapons. As much as the disillusioned left-wing pacifist pinko commies like to drone on about why disarmament is good idea and why nuclear weapons are a "bad idea", we here at The Trash like to keep it real. The school has a duty to protect its staff and students, especially when there is an imminent threat from hostile surrounding schools such as the North Korean Academy and the Cuban School for Boys. Without our beloved nuclear missiles, we open ourselves to the threat of an imminent occupation and therefore to sacrifice our great school.

With the school practically scrapping its nuclear missile program, the science department have voiced their concerns as they rather did enjoy the power of threatening students with a nuclear missile launch directed at them if they did not complete their homework to a satisfactory level. The programme also allowed A Level science students to engage with radiation first hand, benefiting them in their studies and removing any chance of having children.

As well as the major cut to the nuclear missile programme, the council has deemed it necessary to scrap Lord Lieutenant Digby Roberts' Military Detention Course for Unruly students. Lt. Roberts is a War of the Roses Veteran, fighting under the commandment of His Majesty Edward IV himself. Lt. Roberts course was initiated in 1937 after the student protest that resulted in the second coming of our lord. The course was one hundred days of mental rehabilitation which consisted of the fabrication and publication of school propaganda and licking the floors clean every night. Upon hearing about his wonderful course being scrapped, Lt. Roberts gave this statement to The Trash: "Well I wos sittin there mindin overe the current inmaytes, watchin em brewin ale out their own shyte, and I gits a telegram from me second lieutenant, tellin me that bastard defence minister has cut me course! Bullshyte I ses to him, but then he shows me the ruddy report! Wha' am I to do now?" We conveyed Lt. Roberts' statement to Cllr. Kengtun and he has since obliged to recruit Lt. Roberts to the new task force on stamping out the mudblood students in the school.

One issue that the reports fails to address or even mention is the threat the debating society presents to the school security. The debating society is a forum in which the many hippie pinko commie left wing middle class shit heads generally tend to congregate to brainwash younger students with their disgusting and dangerous rhetoric under the premise of advancing argumentative skills. They have a very large influence over the school council, funding billions of pounds for the radical, terrorist and Marxist  Labour Party, so that they can implement their "Progressive and Constructive" ideas into the school constitution and legislature. We believe that these scum should be stamped out, so we are organising a sit-in protest every Friday in the ILC to stop them meeting.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.