This Wednesday, our Supreme Lord Chancellor
Maximilian Oscar Oolong and his Treasury presented the School Council with
the much-anticipated Budget outlining the school expenditure for the next year.
The Budget once again, focused primarily on reducing the schools deficit in
order to pay the School Governors' bail money. The main methods
of execution highlighted were: cutting teachers wages further into
the negative region (making them pay to teach), the reorganisation of the
schools first aid service and the removal of certain teacher privileges.
With the budget of 2012 being a disaster due
to the chancellor’s decision to sell off the area of atmosphere above the
school, the treasury was keen to make an impression this year amongst students
and staff. With much speculation surrounding MOO with his aggressive stance
towards the teacher unions, many members of staff were avidly waiting to see if
they would get wages in this year’s plans. The introduction of suggestion boxes
has also been said to influence MOOs plans as the Junior Minister, Abdulsmith Smith-Smythe-Smyth-Smithson
Van Smyth, foolishly hinted at the construction of a Narwhal statue
fabricated from organic Wiltshire quarks.
The Chancellor started his magnificent speech
with the much-needed apology addressing a major consequence of last years
budget. The apology was to all the student cookie merchants, whose product
was the daily nourishment to the majority of year sevens. In last years budget
the Chancellor outlawed the sales of donuts and cookies on the playground, as
an initiative to increase school canteen sales. Little to the Chancellors
knowledge, the sale of a lesser product known colloquially as
"Custard Creams" came onto the market as a consequence of this. A
highly addictive biscuit, which sent obesity rates through the roof. With heavy
lobbying from the Cookie Monster, the Chancellor abolished this law. As of
after the Easter holidays cookie sales are to be reinstated, only under strict
regulation set out by the Food Safety Association.
The reorganisation of the schools first aid service
will see the removal of the first aid helicopter which costs taxpayers in
excess of three million pounds a year. Last year The Trash uncovered the actual
main use the service; with his vast power and influence the Chair of the School
Council, Abdi Abdi, used the expensive service to send revealing messages to
his favourite "gyaldem". Some have voiced their concerns, asking how
the Council is to fish out students from the pond without this service. In
response the council issued the following statement: "We are happy to
reinstate the school mascot, Harry the one legged giraffe, as our resident
lifeguard. Along his responsibility of fishing out students he will also be
baking mung bean brownies for the English Department." Many cheers of
delight from the English Department ensued.
After many years of persuasion, MOO finally
removed the many extortionate teacher privileges. From the auctioning of
the vast vintage pine collection of the D.T. Department's to the cut in funding
to the Geography Department's expedition to Atlantis, this years
budget has saved $18 trillion to be reallocated to more worthy school needs.
One of the teacher unions tried to voice their concerns, but they wanted to
know what the Guardian said first.
DISCLAIMER:
This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the
governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or
events within the article may be fictitious.
No comments:
Post a Comment
DON'T GET OVERLY GASSED.